I have been having CRAZY dreams lately. I guess its because I have so much on my mind and I guess I am only dealing with it when I dont really have a choice. Last night, I had a dream that Iw as at Debs apartment and everyone was over and she was sitting on the couch and she asked sara to clean her apartment. Sara said no and they remained friends. When she asked me to clean and I said no she freaked out and I left. That is just one of the many dreams that I have been having lately.
My blog is international and that makes me smile. Someone from Australia left me a long comment on my 40 things about me blog and they gave some really good advice.
I have changed for people so many times but people never seem to budge. A friendship is a two way street and requires input on both sides. I am scared of being myself and speaking my mind around some people out of fear of being ridiculed and attacked. Screw that dude. Totally not cool.
People still owe me money and im tired of the excuses.
Why are so many of my friends really manipulative?
I will leave with that.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Oh my god
Lots of anger in this blog.
I am so overwhelmed and I think i might just type this as the thoughts run through my head. fuck punctuation and grammer for this blog and fuck censorship
i am so overwhelmed I cant even take it. im going to rip my hair out. too much music. too much to do. not enough time. no wonder why musicians go crazy. carmen can blow me. frasquita is not a good part for me. memorize the quintet for next week. i need a break from life. i want to go to california or some sort of cabin in the woods. too much music. bens recital, concert choir, carmen, glitter and be gay, three french songs, two extra arias, sheperd on the rock which is 12 minutes long. no more. no more no more no more. i want to go home. now. ive been dreaming the past few nights which is unlike me. first dream; car with debbie and sara-car crash- concrete-camp; second dream; lead of a show- gerald feigen- polka dot stockings- silence; third dream; steve- eliptical- nebulizer- psychologist and i dont remember my dream that i had last night.
i finally spoke to the kid i like today. hes a bit awkward. i dont know him well at all. he came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder as if i was his best friend. i dont know what to think. whatever. i need to go to the gym.
i shouldnt even be doing this blog because i dont have time.
im going to drive myself to an early grave if I dont calm down.
i just drove a dull earing into a closed hole in my ear and it didnt hurt at all. i am beginning to wonder if i can feel anything anymore. maybe the hole wasnt as closed as i thought it was. my whole ear turned red and hot but there was no pain.
i remembered what my fourth dream was about. i was at allied health and science high school and i was a new student. i found my locker but when i went back later, i couldnt find it or remember what the combination was. i tried a new locker with random numbers and it opened and inside was a new pair of shoes. i took the shoes and rode on a plastic bubble chair 45 minutes home.
I am so overwhelmed and I think i might just type this as the thoughts run through my head. fuck punctuation and grammer for this blog and fuck censorship
i am so overwhelmed I cant even take it. im going to rip my hair out. too much music. too much to do. not enough time. no wonder why musicians go crazy. carmen can blow me. frasquita is not a good part for me. memorize the quintet for next week. i need a break from life. i want to go to california or some sort of cabin in the woods. too much music. bens recital, concert choir, carmen, glitter and be gay, three french songs, two extra arias, sheperd on the rock which is 12 minutes long. no more. no more no more no more. i want to go home. now. ive been dreaming the past few nights which is unlike me. first dream; car with debbie and sara-car crash- concrete-camp; second dream; lead of a show- gerald feigen- polka dot stockings- silence; third dream; steve- eliptical- nebulizer- psychologist and i dont remember my dream that i had last night.
i finally spoke to the kid i like today. hes a bit awkward. i dont know him well at all. he came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder as if i was his best friend. i dont know what to think. whatever. i need to go to the gym.
i shouldnt even be doing this blog because i dont have time.
im going to drive myself to an early grave if I dont calm down.
i just drove a dull earing into a closed hole in my ear and it didnt hurt at all. i am beginning to wonder if i can feel anything anymore. maybe the hole wasnt as closed as i thought it was. my whole ear turned red and hot but there was no pain.
i remembered what my fourth dream was about. i was at allied health and science high school and i was a new student. i found my locker but when i went back later, i couldnt find it or remember what the combination was. i tried a new locker with random numbers and it opened and inside was a new pair of shoes. i took the shoes and rode on a plastic bubble chair 45 minutes home.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
List of things.
On facebook they had this list 25 things about yourself and I wanted to make a larger list on here. I am just going to list as many things as I can think of.
1. I am 19 years old but people frequently think that I am older because I dont seem like a 19 year old.
2. I am a very impulsive person butifI gave into my impulses I would be a huge whore or dead right now.
3. To be completely honest, I could live without my friends. Unfortunately, I am very bad at making friends and I am too paranoid to let anyone get really close to me. Dont get me wrong, I love the time I spend with my friends but being alone doesn't scare me.
4. I think that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Of course I want to find someone to love and to love me in return but with the way things are going and have gone, I dont see it happening. That does scare me.
5. I hate that I am a hypocrite a lot of times. Actually... What other people would consider me being a hypocrite, I see that as seeing things from all sides of a story... or me being indecisive.
6. Most of my friends talk a lot which is good because I dont talk a lot. I only talk a lot when I am really comfortable with someone or when I am talking about something I know a lot about.
7. There are things about me that no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way.
8. I am half czech, 1/4 puerto rican and 1/4 russian. It bothers me that I dont look more puerto rican.
9. I dont understand how a person can hate another person because of the way they were born whether they are a certain color or sexual orientation.
10. I dont get pissed off very quickly but when I do... watch out because I will explode.
11. I used to have anxiety attacks but they stopped after spring semester of last year. I never thought anything was wrong when I did have them. I feel like something is wrong now that Im not having them.
12. I am happy that my family is finding answers for my little brother. He is getting better everyday and he actually texted me yesterday and had me laughing for about 5 minutes straight. Shikakah.
13. I am not as oblivious or gullible as I make myself out to be. I think its because if I dont seem to notice or understand something, I dont have to deal with it.
14. I want to run away to no where in particular.
15. I wish that I had more money.
16. I feel like I get more recognition when I don't try.
17. I am not really sold on being a performer for the rest of my life yet. I dont know if ill be able to make it into a career and that scares the shit out me..... at the same time if I didnt make it I think it would be so much fun to live like the people did in Rent.
18. Seeing Rent made we want to live in NYC.
19. I want to see the Northern Lights before I die.
20. I am only afraid of death sometimes.
21. Before I worked in church choir, I thought that religion was silly. Now after working in it for about 2 or 3 months, I think that religion is dangerous. I dont think that people are actually reading what they are saying when they read scriptures or singing hymns... they are just regeritating what they are fed because thats what theyve done since they were little.
22. I dont like nickels...Im not even sure that I spelled it right.
23. I love polka dots.
24. I have a favorite song but its not really a song. Its a guy speaking, giving advice... to music in the background. It changed my life.
25. I love neutral colors.
26. Two weeks before my fourth birthday, my house caught on fire and my arm and face got burned. My dad died in the accident and I had to be in a hospital for 4 months. I was in a coma for a week because of pain.
27. I haven't gone to see my dads grave in probably over 10 years. It breaks me heart.
28. I always wonder who I would be today if none of those things happened to me.
29. I dont really have a favorite color.
30. I love smells. Perfumes are like heroine.
31. I think I was born in the wrong decade. I wish I was a teenager in the 60's.
32. I am happy that Obama is president. I dont think that anything is going to change drastically while is president but I think that the rate of the downfall will slow down.
33. Guys always like me after im done liking them.
34. I dont listen to the radio when im in the car by myself unless im in a blech mood. I would rather listen to the sound my car makes when it rolls over the pavement going 90 or birds singing.
35. I have a lead foot but by accident.
36. I feel like people think im a hypochondriac (sp) but I really am always sick.
37. I am starting to stand up for myself more and it feels good.
38. I am horrible at being a vegetarian.
39. I am always thinking.
40. Thinking about the moon, sun and all of the planets and how far away they really are from earth makes me dizzy.
I dont want to write anymore for right now. I will add more in future blogs.
1. I am 19 years old but people frequently think that I am older because I dont seem like a 19 year old.
2. I am a very impulsive person butifI gave into my impulses I would be a huge whore or dead right now.
3. To be completely honest, I could live without my friends. Unfortunately, I am very bad at making friends and I am too paranoid to let anyone get really close to me. Dont get me wrong, I love the time I spend with my friends but being alone doesn't scare me.
4. I think that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Of course I want to find someone to love and to love me in return but with the way things are going and have gone, I dont see it happening. That does scare me.
5. I hate that I am a hypocrite a lot of times. Actually... What other people would consider me being a hypocrite, I see that as seeing things from all sides of a story... or me being indecisive.
6. Most of my friends talk a lot which is good because I dont talk a lot. I only talk a lot when I am really comfortable with someone or when I am talking about something I know a lot about.
7. There are things about me that no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way.
8. I am half czech, 1/4 puerto rican and 1/4 russian. It bothers me that I dont look more puerto rican.
9. I dont understand how a person can hate another person because of the way they were born whether they are a certain color or sexual orientation.
10. I dont get pissed off very quickly but when I do... watch out because I will explode.
11. I used to have anxiety attacks but they stopped after spring semester of last year. I never thought anything was wrong when I did have them. I feel like something is wrong now that Im not having them.
12. I am happy that my family is finding answers for my little brother. He is getting better everyday and he actually texted me yesterday and had me laughing for about 5 minutes straight. Shikakah.
13. I am not as oblivious or gullible as I make myself out to be. I think its because if I dont seem to notice or understand something, I dont have to deal with it.
14. I want to run away to no where in particular.
15. I wish that I had more money.
16. I feel like I get more recognition when I don't try.
17. I am not really sold on being a performer for the rest of my life yet. I dont know if ill be able to make it into a career and that scares the shit out me..... at the same time if I didnt make it I think it would be so much fun to live like the people did in Rent.
18. Seeing Rent made we want to live in NYC.
19. I want to see the Northern Lights before I die.
20. I am only afraid of death sometimes.
21. Before I worked in church choir, I thought that religion was silly. Now after working in it for about 2 or 3 months, I think that religion is dangerous. I dont think that people are actually reading what they are saying when they read scriptures or singing hymns... they are just regeritating what they are fed because thats what theyve done since they were little.
22. I dont like nickels...Im not even sure that I spelled it right.
23. I love polka dots.
24. I have a favorite song but its not really a song. Its a guy speaking, giving advice... to music in the background. It changed my life.
25. I love neutral colors.
26. Two weeks before my fourth birthday, my house caught on fire and my arm and face got burned. My dad died in the accident and I had to be in a hospital for 4 months. I was in a coma for a week because of pain.
27. I haven't gone to see my dads grave in probably over 10 years. It breaks me heart.
28. I always wonder who I would be today if none of those things happened to me.
29. I dont really have a favorite color.
30. I love smells. Perfumes are like heroine.
31. I think I was born in the wrong decade. I wish I was a teenager in the 60's.
32. I am happy that Obama is president. I dont think that anything is going to change drastically while is president but I think that the rate of the downfall will slow down.
33. Guys always like me after im done liking them.
34. I dont listen to the radio when im in the car by myself unless im in a blech mood. I would rather listen to the sound my car makes when it rolls over the pavement going 90 or birds singing.
35. I have a lead foot but by accident.
36. I feel like people think im a hypochondriac (sp) but I really am always sick.
37. I am starting to stand up for myself more and it feels good.
38. I am horrible at being a vegetarian.
39. I am always thinking.
40. Thinking about the moon, sun and all of the planets and how far away they really are from earth makes me dizzy.
I dont want to write anymore for right now. I will add more in future blogs.
Monday, February 2, 2009
wow...
I have 15 minutes until my next class and I probably shouldnt be typing this right now.
but....
I just ate with Rebecca in the upstairs cafeteria and I saw the most beautiful guy ive ever seen in my entire life.
Thats all I wanted to say.
Im going to be so distracted today.
but....
I just ate with Rebecca in the upstairs cafeteria and I saw the most beautiful guy ive ever seen in my entire life.
Thats all I wanted to say.
Im going to be so distracted today.
Friday, January 30, 2009
F*** it
Lately, I have been getting along with Heather, one of my room mates, who I had been having problems with in the past. Actually all of my room mates and I are getting along. It feels nice to walk in the door and feel like you are welcome.
Also lately, I have been feeling very angry/ sad. I dont know why but when I am alone I dont smile, I feel really upset and nothing is triggering these feelings. I dont understand why this happens to me every so often.
To some people I just want to open up completly. I want to tell them everything about my life, good, bad and in between. My past has come back to haunt me lately and I dont know where it came from. Things that I ahve never revealed to ANYONE are always on my mind after so many years of forgetting about them. I am not about to write them on here out of fear that someone will read it and put me away.
I am going to a party tonight with my friends. Hopefully, I will actually have fun instead of faking fun like I did all day. I have to put on a smile and cheery attitude so that people dont ask questions. They will drill away at me until I snap.
* I had my blog on private for a few days but I decided to make it public again. I will continue to sensor myself as I have been on here and keep the very few people who read this wondering that the hell is actually going through my mind. I am a mystery I guess.
Also lately, I have been feeling very angry/ sad. I dont know why but when I am alone I dont smile, I feel really upset and nothing is triggering these feelings. I dont understand why this happens to me every so often.
To some people I just want to open up completly. I want to tell them everything about my life, good, bad and in between. My past has come back to haunt me lately and I dont know where it came from. Things that I ahve never revealed to ANYONE are always on my mind after so many years of forgetting about them. I am not about to write them on here out of fear that someone will read it and put me away.
I am going to a party tonight with my friends. Hopefully, I will actually have fun instead of faking fun like I did all day. I have to put on a smile and cheery attitude so that people dont ask questions. They will drill away at me until I snap.
* I had my blog on private for a few days but I decided to make it public again. I will continue to sensor myself as I have been on here and keep the very few people who read this wondering that the hell is actually going through my mind. I am a mystery I guess.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sick of it...with it..
UHM..... What has been going on lately...
Well... I went to Steves party the other day.. I think it was Friday.. And I had an awesome time. What I thought was going to happen with the driver did happen but its over now and everyone is back to normal. Steve said that his mom is going out of town soon so he is going to have another party. Maybe ill drive myself and just pull up couch to save myself some trouble.
Saturday I went to Salad Works with Jeli and Jill and realized that I LOVE chick peas. Theyre soo good haha. After that I took a long nap and went to the gym with Sara and Bus. We have been going everyday since the first time I mentioned it on here. I love going because I know that I need to be doing good things for myself in order to be happy. Going is a step in the right direction.
Sunday I had church at like 10:45 and when it was done I went to the gym again.
Yesterday.. I had like six classes which kept me busy but it was a bit tiring. I also wasnt feeling well. SURPRISE SURPRISE! At the end of last semester, I went to the health center and they told me that I had Bronchitis which could possibly be in the early stages of Pneumonia. I took the drugs they gave me but they didn't help at all. Over break, I took a course of antibiotics that normally helps kill all the bacteria in your body but... that didn't help either. Now.. I am still coughing and I have this really annoying tightness/tickle in my lungs. Im going to the health center today so they can help me out. Oh..I went to the gym last night also. The trip was short because my chest kept hurting. Oh well... things will get better soon.
I am rather pleased with myself lately aside from everything that has been bringing my mood down. Like I said, Ive been going to the gym... BUT!!! I finally got over my crush. It only took forever but I am almost positive about it all this time. There are a few new people that I think are cute but I don't know them very well at all so whether I LIKE them or not will be determined in the future. I have no idea how to flirt or even show someone that I like them so if anyone could help me in that department I would greatly appreciate it.
OH! Before I stop writing, I have been reading Twilight and I love it. Its a lot different from the movie that I saw but not different at the same time. Its kind of hard to explain. I want my own Edward Cullen! and it wouldnt hurt if he looked like Robert Pattinson :).
Well.. so long for now...
The sick one.
Well... I went to Steves party the other day.. I think it was Friday.. And I had an awesome time. What I thought was going to happen with the driver did happen but its over now and everyone is back to normal. Steve said that his mom is going out of town soon so he is going to have another party. Maybe ill drive myself and just pull up couch to save myself some trouble.
Saturday I went to Salad Works with Jeli and Jill and realized that I LOVE chick peas. Theyre soo good haha. After that I took a long nap and went to the gym with Sara and Bus. We have been going everyday since the first time I mentioned it on here. I love going because I know that I need to be doing good things for myself in order to be happy. Going is a step in the right direction.
Sunday I had church at like 10:45 and when it was done I went to the gym again.
Yesterday.. I had like six classes which kept me busy but it was a bit tiring. I also wasnt feeling well. SURPRISE SURPRISE! At the end of last semester, I went to the health center and they told me that I had Bronchitis which could possibly be in the early stages of Pneumonia. I took the drugs they gave me but they didn't help at all. Over break, I took a course of antibiotics that normally helps kill all the bacteria in your body but... that didn't help either. Now.. I am still coughing and I have this really annoying tightness/tickle in my lungs. Im going to the health center today so they can help me out. Oh..I went to the gym last night also. The trip was short because my chest kept hurting. Oh well... things will get better soon.
I am rather pleased with myself lately aside from everything that has been bringing my mood down. Like I said, Ive been going to the gym... BUT!!! I finally got over my crush. It only took forever but I am almost positive about it all this time. There are a few new people that I think are cute but I don't know them very well at all so whether I LIKE them or not will be determined in the future. I have no idea how to flirt or even show someone that I like them so if anyone could help me in that department I would greatly appreciate it.
OH! Before I stop writing, I have been reading Twilight and I love it. Its a lot different from the movie that I saw but not different at the same time. Its kind of hard to explain. I want my own Edward Cullen! and it wouldnt hurt if he looked like Robert Pattinson :).
Well.. so long for now...
The sick one.
Friday, January 23, 2009
POST NUMBER 50!
Yes this is my 50th post on my blog. That just means im a super loser who has nothing better to do with her time than to write about her boring melodramatic life.
I feel like with every friendship or any sort of relationship I have with someone, whether its friendship, mom to daughter, blah blah blah, I always give a lot more than I recieve. I think I try too hard and I care too much about people and that caring and trying pushes them away in the end. My whole life I have had friends, but I always felt like I was a bother or like I couldn't do anything right. That feeling is creeping up on me again in college. I feel like I am not allowed to get annoyed with someone or be upset without making someone else angry. Other people are allowed to be upset or angry with me but I can't be upset or angry with them. Maybe its the way I deal with things. I wish I could just take a break from life sometimes. Take a break and look at my life from the outside and see what mistakes I am making and how I can change them.
Steve is having a party at his house tonight and I dont know if I want to go. It should be fun and there will def. be people there that I get along with but I feel like a party pooper lately. My morale is in a shitty place and I am over compensating for it by being goofy loud and obnoxious.
PLUS! If I am having a good time I have a feeling that the person driving wont be having a good time and they will want to leave right as everything starts going.
I am not going to finish my last blog because I simply don't feel like it.
I went to the gym today and it felt nice while I was there. I wish I could have stayed longer and did a little bit more but whatever.
OH! Jaime bought the first two twilight books and I am going to start reading the first one. I hope I can finish it. I have the attention span of 6 year old A.D.D. child on speed when it comes to reading. I dont think that I have ever read a book from cover to cover, but maybe things will turn around.
I'm done. Have to go get ready.
I hope I have fun.
I feel like with every friendship or any sort of relationship I have with someone, whether its friendship, mom to daughter, blah blah blah, I always give a lot more than I recieve. I think I try too hard and I care too much about people and that caring and trying pushes them away in the end. My whole life I have had friends, but I always felt like I was a bother or like I couldn't do anything right. That feeling is creeping up on me again in college. I feel like I am not allowed to get annoyed with someone or be upset without making someone else angry. Other people are allowed to be upset or angry with me but I can't be upset or angry with them. Maybe its the way I deal with things. I wish I could just take a break from life sometimes. Take a break and look at my life from the outside and see what mistakes I am making and how I can change them.
Steve is having a party at his house tonight and I dont know if I want to go. It should be fun and there will def. be people there that I get along with but I feel like a party pooper lately. My morale is in a shitty place and I am over compensating for it by being goofy loud and obnoxious.
PLUS! If I am having a good time I have a feeling that the person driving wont be having a good time and they will want to leave right as everything starts going.
I am not going to finish my last blog because I simply don't feel like it.
I went to the gym today and it felt nice while I was there. I wish I could have stayed longer and did a little bit more but whatever.
OH! Jaime bought the first two twilight books and I am going to start reading the first one. I hope I can finish it. I have the attention span of 6 year old A.D.D. child on speed when it comes to reading. I dont think that I have ever read a book from cover to cover, but maybe things will turn around.
I'm done. Have to go get ready.
I hope I have fun.
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