Spring Break sucks. I dont want to be home for spring break but im very happy that I am not at school. I need a break from something. I need to do something with my life because i feel like my life means nothing. To people I can only hope that I mean something to them,,, but what if i die tomorrow. Can I lie on my death bed tomorrow happy knowing that I made my life a good one? That I achieved everything or most of the things that I wanted to achieve? Am I the person I want to be and am I working toward the goals that I really want to be working toward?
The answer right now is a big flat out No. I need to travel. i need to tell people how I really feel and not what I think they should hear. On few occasions I have done that and it felt incredible for about two seconds until that person flipped out because normally my thoughts toward people is something rude. I cant help that I am a horrible person inside my head. No one believes me. I want to go sky diving. I want to go white water rafting. I want to be at 150 lbs. I want to make a difference in the peace corps. I dont know if i want to perform. I want to get the hell out of these small ass towns. I dont want to look at other people and wonder if I am the same size as them. I want to take photos of things that are b-eautiful. I want to travel to places far away. I want to learn new languages. I dont want to have to think so much. I want my life to be like twilight. haha. I know that last one isnt going to happen but if life COULD be like that... I would trade everything to live like that.
I need change to happen is basically what im trying to get across.
I wish that i didnt have a full scholarship so that i didnt feel so tied to my school. I sure as hell know that its not the people that are keeping me there because i dont like probably 98.5% of the people there. People piss me off in general and I can't tolerate one person for too long which is part of the reason i am so quiet. I dont like to let people in too much so that I dont have to lose much when i push them away. Ive been having some major problems with pushing certain people out of my life. They are making me abso-freakin-lutely nuts.
All I want to say to some people is put down the bag.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
note
I sense a trend. You're a superficial self-centered asshole. You would never get close to me because im larger and I know this. Whether you realize it or now is to be debated but its true. You only care about yourself. It doesnt matter what I write about you here because youre never going to see it.
Amen
Amen
Sunday, March 1, 2009
the edge
im getting pushed to the edge. people are pushing my buttons and there is only so much more that i can take until i explode. dont fucking explode at me again and dont blame me for your shitty personality.
this is another thought that ive been having lately. no im not suicidal. i just wonder what people would say about me at my funeral. people dont realize what they have until its gone so i wonder how people really feel about me. they take my for granted.
if i had the money i would take all of my important belongings and leave. i dont know where it is that i would go but i would go there without looking back.
41. i have the patience of a saint.
42. no one knows the real me. i like to keep it that way.
today i finally friended the kid i like and he messaged me right away. i dont know if he likes me back or if he is just a really friendly kid. im going with the latter.
this is another thought that ive been having lately. no im not suicidal. i just wonder what people would say about me at my funeral. people dont realize what they have until its gone so i wonder how people really feel about me. they take my for granted.
if i had the money i would take all of my important belongings and leave. i dont know where it is that i would go but i would go there without looking back.
41. i have the patience of a saint.
42. no one knows the real me. i like to keep it that way.
today i finally friended the kid i like and he messaged me right away. i dont know if he likes me back or if he is just a really friendly kid. im going with the latter.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Dreaming
I have been having CRAZY dreams lately. I guess its because I have so much on my mind and I guess I am only dealing with it when I dont really have a choice. Last night, I had a dream that Iw as at Debs apartment and everyone was over and she was sitting on the couch and she asked sara to clean her apartment. Sara said no and they remained friends. When she asked me to clean and I said no she freaked out and I left. That is just one of the many dreams that I have been having lately.
My blog is international and that makes me smile. Someone from Australia left me a long comment on my 40 things about me blog and they gave some really good advice.
I have changed for people so many times but people never seem to budge. A friendship is a two way street and requires input on both sides. I am scared of being myself and speaking my mind around some people out of fear of being ridiculed and attacked. Screw that dude. Totally not cool.
People still owe me money and im tired of the excuses.
Why are so many of my friends really manipulative?
I will leave with that.
My blog is international and that makes me smile. Someone from Australia left me a long comment on my 40 things about me blog and they gave some really good advice.
I have changed for people so many times but people never seem to budge. A friendship is a two way street and requires input on both sides. I am scared of being myself and speaking my mind around some people out of fear of being ridiculed and attacked. Screw that dude. Totally not cool.
People still owe me money and im tired of the excuses.
Why are so many of my friends really manipulative?
I will leave with that.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Oh my god
Lots of anger in this blog.
I am so overwhelmed and I think i might just type this as the thoughts run through my head. fuck punctuation and grammer for this blog and fuck censorship
i am so overwhelmed I cant even take it. im going to rip my hair out. too much music. too much to do. not enough time. no wonder why musicians go crazy. carmen can blow me. frasquita is not a good part for me. memorize the quintet for next week. i need a break from life. i want to go to california or some sort of cabin in the woods. too much music. bens recital, concert choir, carmen, glitter and be gay, three french songs, two extra arias, sheperd on the rock which is 12 minutes long. no more. no more no more no more. i want to go home. now. ive been dreaming the past few nights which is unlike me. first dream; car with debbie and sara-car crash- concrete-camp; second dream; lead of a show- gerald feigen- polka dot stockings- silence; third dream; steve- eliptical- nebulizer- psychologist and i dont remember my dream that i had last night.
i finally spoke to the kid i like today. hes a bit awkward. i dont know him well at all. he came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder as if i was his best friend. i dont know what to think. whatever. i need to go to the gym.
i shouldnt even be doing this blog because i dont have time.
im going to drive myself to an early grave if I dont calm down.
i just drove a dull earing into a closed hole in my ear and it didnt hurt at all. i am beginning to wonder if i can feel anything anymore. maybe the hole wasnt as closed as i thought it was. my whole ear turned red and hot but there was no pain.
i remembered what my fourth dream was about. i was at allied health and science high school and i was a new student. i found my locker but when i went back later, i couldnt find it or remember what the combination was. i tried a new locker with random numbers and it opened and inside was a new pair of shoes. i took the shoes and rode on a plastic bubble chair 45 minutes home.
I am so overwhelmed and I think i might just type this as the thoughts run through my head. fuck punctuation and grammer for this blog and fuck censorship
i am so overwhelmed I cant even take it. im going to rip my hair out. too much music. too much to do. not enough time. no wonder why musicians go crazy. carmen can blow me. frasquita is not a good part for me. memorize the quintet for next week. i need a break from life. i want to go to california or some sort of cabin in the woods. too much music. bens recital, concert choir, carmen, glitter and be gay, three french songs, two extra arias, sheperd on the rock which is 12 minutes long. no more. no more no more no more. i want to go home. now. ive been dreaming the past few nights which is unlike me. first dream; car with debbie and sara-car crash- concrete-camp; second dream; lead of a show- gerald feigen- polka dot stockings- silence; third dream; steve- eliptical- nebulizer- psychologist and i dont remember my dream that i had last night.
i finally spoke to the kid i like today. hes a bit awkward. i dont know him well at all. he came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder as if i was his best friend. i dont know what to think. whatever. i need to go to the gym.
i shouldnt even be doing this blog because i dont have time.
im going to drive myself to an early grave if I dont calm down.
i just drove a dull earing into a closed hole in my ear and it didnt hurt at all. i am beginning to wonder if i can feel anything anymore. maybe the hole wasnt as closed as i thought it was. my whole ear turned red and hot but there was no pain.
i remembered what my fourth dream was about. i was at allied health and science high school and i was a new student. i found my locker but when i went back later, i couldnt find it or remember what the combination was. i tried a new locker with random numbers and it opened and inside was a new pair of shoes. i took the shoes and rode on a plastic bubble chair 45 minutes home.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
List of things.
On facebook they had this list 25 things about yourself and I wanted to make a larger list on here. I am just going to list as many things as I can think of.
1. I am 19 years old but people frequently think that I am older because I dont seem like a 19 year old.
2. I am a very impulsive person butifI gave into my impulses I would be a huge whore or dead right now.
3. To be completely honest, I could live without my friends. Unfortunately, I am very bad at making friends and I am too paranoid to let anyone get really close to me. Dont get me wrong, I love the time I spend with my friends but being alone doesn't scare me.
4. I think that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Of course I want to find someone to love and to love me in return but with the way things are going and have gone, I dont see it happening. That does scare me.
5. I hate that I am a hypocrite a lot of times. Actually... What other people would consider me being a hypocrite, I see that as seeing things from all sides of a story... or me being indecisive.
6. Most of my friends talk a lot which is good because I dont talk a lot. I only talk a lot when I am really comfortable with someone or when I am talking about something I know a lot about.
7. There are things about me that no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way.
8. I am half czech, 1/4 puerto rican and 1/4 russian. It bothers me that I dont look more puerto rican.
9. I dont understand how a person can hate another person because of the way they were born whether they are a certain color or sexual orientation.
10. I dont get pissed off very quickly but when I do... watch out because I will explode.
11. I used to have anxiety attacks but they stopped after spring semester of last year. I never thought anything was wrong when I did have them. I feel like something is wrong now that Im not having them.
12. I am happy that my family is finding answers for my little brother. He is getting better everyday and he actually texted me yesterday and had me laughing for about 5 minutes straight. Shikakah.
13. I am not as oblivious or gullible as I make myself out to be. I think its because if I dont seem to notice or understand something, I dont have to deal with it.
14. I want to run away to no where in particular.
15. I wish that I had more money.
16. I feel like I get more recognition when I don't try.
17. I am not really sold on being a performer for the rest of my life yet. I dont know if ill be able to make it into a career and that scares the shit out me..... at the same time if I didnt make it I think it would be so much fun to live like the people did in Rent.
18. Seeing Rent made we want to live in NYC.
19. I want to see the Northern Lights before I die.
20. I am only afraid of death sometimes.
21. Before I worked in church choir, I thought that religion was silly. Now after working in it for about 2 or 3 months, I think that religion is dangerous. I dont think that people are actually reading what they are saying when they read scriptures or singing hymns... they are just regeritating what they are fed because thats what theyve done since they were little.
22. I dont like nickels...Im not even sure that I spelled it right.
23. I love polka dots.
24. I have a favorite song but its not really a song. Its a guy speaking, giving advice... to music in the background. It changed my life.
25. I love neutral colors.
26. Two weeks before my fourth birthday, my house caught on fire and my arm and face got burned. My dad died in the accident and I had to be in a hospital for 4 months. I was in a coma for a week because of pain.
27. I haven't gone to see my dads grave in probably over 10 years. It breaks me heart.
28. I always wonder who I would be today if none of those things happened to me.
29. I dont really have a favorite color.
30. I love smells. Perfumes are like heroine.
31. I think I was born in the wrong decade. I wish I was a teenager in the 60's.
32. I am happy that Obama is president. I dont think that anything is going to change drastically while is president but I think that the rate of the downfall will slow down.
33. Guys always like me after im done liking them.
34. I dont listen to the radio when im in the car by myself unless im in a blech mood. I would rather listen to the sound my car makes when it rolls over the pavement going 90 or birds singing.
35. I have a lead foot but by accident.
36. I feel like people think im a hypochondriac (sp) but I really am always sick.
37. I am starting to stand up for myself more and it feels good.
38. I am horrible at being a vegetarian.
39. I am always thinking.
40. Thinking about the moon, sun and all of the planets and how far away they really are from earth makes me dizzy.
I dont want to write anymore for right now. I will add more in future blogs.
1. I am 19 years old but people frequently think that I am older because I dont seem like a 19 year old.
2. I am a very impulsive person butifI gave into my impulses I would be a huge whore or dead right now.
3. To be completely honest, I could live without my friends. Unfortunately, I am very bad at making friends and I am too paranoid to let anyone get really close to me. Dont get me wrong, I love the time I spend with my friends but being alone doesn't scare me.
4. I think that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Of course I want to find someone to love and to love me in return but with the way things are going and have gone, I dont see it happening. That does scare me.
5. I hate that I am a hypocrite a lot of times. Actually... What other people would consider me being a hypocrite, I see that as seeing things from all sides of a story... or me being indecisive.
6. Most of my friends talk a lot which is good because I dont talk a lot. I only talk a lot when I am really comfortable with someone or when I am talking about something I know a lot about.
7. There are things about me that no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way.
8. I am half czech, 1/4 puerto rican and 1/4 russian. It bothers me that I dont look more puerto rican.
9. I dont understand how a person can hate another person because of the way they were born whether they are a certain color or sexual orientation.
10. I dont get pissed off very quickly but when I do... watch out because I will explode.
11. I used to have anxiety attacks but they stopped after spring semester of last year. I never thought anything was wrong when I did have them. I feel like something is wrong now that Im not having them.
12. I am happy that my family is finding answers for my little brother. He is getting better everyday and he actually texted me yesterday and had me laughing for about 5 minutes straight. Shikakah.
13. I am not as oblivious or gullible as I make myself out to be. I think its because if I dont seem to notice or understand something, I dont have to deal with it.
14. I want to run away to no where in particular.
15. I wish that I had more money.
16. I feel like I get more recognition when I don't try.
17. I am not really sold on being a performer for the rest of my life yet. I dont know if ill be able to make it into a career and that scares the shit out me..... at the same time if I didnt make it I think it would be so much fun to live like the people did in Rent.
18. Seeing Rent made we want to live in NYC.
19. I want to see the Northern Lights before I die.
20. I am only afraid of death sometimes.
21. Before I worked in church choir, I thought that religion was silly. Now after working in it for about 2 or 3 months, I think that religion is dangerous. I dont think that people are actually reading what they are saying when they read scriptures or singing hymns... they are just regeritating what they are fed because thats what theyve done since they were little.
22. I dont like nickels...Im not even sure that I spelled it right.
23. I love polka dots.
24. I have a favorite song but its not really a song. Its a guy speaking, giving advice... to music in the background. It changed my life.
25. I love neutral colors.
26. Two weeks before my fourth birthday, my house caught on fire and my arm and face got burned. My dad died in the accident and I had to be in a hospital for 4 months. I was in a coma for a week because of pain.
27. I haven't gone to see my dads grave in probably over 10 years. It breaks me heart.
28. I always wonder who I would be today if none of those things happened to me.
29. I dont really have a favorite color.
30. I love smells. Perfumes are like heroine.
31. I think I was born in the wrong decade. I wish I was a teenager in the 60's.
32. I am happy that Obama is president. I dont think that anything is going to change drastically while is president but I think that the rate of the downfall will slow down.
33. Guys always like me after im done liking them.
34. I dont listen to the radio when im in the car by myself unless im in a blech mood. I would rather listen to the sound my car makes when it rolls over the pavement going 90 or birds singing.
35. I have a lead foot but by accident.
36. I feel like people think im a hypochondriac (sp) but I really am always sick.
37. I am starting to stand up for myself more and it feels good.
38. I am horrible at being a vegetarian.
39. I am always thinking.
40. Thinking about the moon, sun and all of the planets and how far away they really are from earth makes me dizzy.
I dont want to write anymore for right now. I will add more in future blogs.
Monday, February 2, 2009
wow...
I have 15 minutes until my next class and I probably shouldnt be typing this right now.
but....
I just ate with Rebecca in the upstairs cafeteria and I saw the most beautiful guy ive ever seen in my entire life.
Thats all I wanted to say.
Im going to be so distracted today.
but....
I just ate with Rebecca in the upstairs cafeteria and I saw the most beautiful guy ive ever seen in my entire life.
Thats all I wanted to say.
Im going to be so distracted today.
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