News flash

I just re-read some of the entries that I wrote at the end of last year and god damn was I a pansy lol... I did go through a lot of shit last year that fogged my brain but so far.. im all better. Yes I have my moments which I never let out but I have come to the conclusion that they are just moments.. they will pass.

I have to hurry up and write because I have spinning in a few minutes.

I am totally different from what I used to be. I am a lot more outgoing and I want to experience everything good bad and inbetween. This fact scares the ever-loving shit out of me. The bad could potentially ruin my life....the good could too. Its all a matter of how you look at it. Im having Dinner with Jeli tonight and im going to talk to her about it. She knows that if I say I need to talk about something that its something legit..I hope so anyway.

OH! we moved into the new house. I have my own room. we had two parties already this semester.. both on fridays and I already have a crush for the time being. I dont know why I do these things to myself. He MAY be gay which would be really funny on my part. I kind of screwed myself over with him this first time I met him but I just want to get to know him and see what kind of life he has lead. I just love getting to know people and hearing about their experiences. He seems like he has a lot of baggage. I love baggage though.

Time will tell.. Just go with the flow and roll with the punches. The things that you need will come to you and if they dont well...then I guess youre fucked haha. Nah. youll just learn how to deal with the things you have.

Off to slim myself down at dee gym. PEACE

Golly Gosh

Wowzers.. I havent written in this thing in ages. Its really funny to look back on posts from just a few months ago and think about who I was during that time and how much I have grown in such a short amount of time. I am now 21 WOO! I went out on my birthday and it was fun but I havent done anything since then. I put myself on one of those stupid free dating sites and I started talking to this really amazing awesome guy. His name is Mike. We were texting for a while but all the while he was kind of a flake. He would take a while to get back to me or he wouldnt get back to me at all. Apparently he never got some of my texts so at the moment I am waiting for his response to a message I sent him on facebook. He seems waaaaay to perfect to pass up and just give up easily. Hes not the look I normally go for but everything else is pure perfection. omg. We shall see what happens with all of that butI just wanted to post on here to keep track of my life as I live it. Tata for now bloggy. Until next time!

This is my demon.

The Realization.

I really came to the conclusion today...set in stone.... that I truly care for the boy from the summer. The only time I feel anything at all is when I am around him and when i;m not around him I think about him and why he doesnt feel the same way about me. I want so badly to tell him how I feel about him but I dont want to make things awkward. If I knew for sure that I wouldnt see him again I would tell him how I feel. Im almost positive he is going to get accepted to Udel and so maybe the last day of choir ill tell him or during the summer ill text him or something. Its really bringing my mood down. Even if I didnt date him again...I just want to be a part of his life. I feel like I can understand him and I feel like he can be comfortable around me. I look forward to Thursdays and Sundays because I get to see him. Its so messed up. I feel crazy. I need some advice.

girl interrupted

.

history.

Today I went to church and sat next to the boy from the summer. We laughed a lot and talked a lot during the service about random things and then I texted him while I was at work. I dont think I have ever felt like this about a person before. I want so badly for him to be in my life but i feel as though he is resisting. I know what kind of life he has gone through and what kind of person he is but he keeps resisting. I felt that was during the summer also. I dont think I have ever had to try this hard to have someone in my life. Maybe part of the reason I want him in my life so badly is because he doesnt want to be in mine. maybe that isnt the case at all. maybe he just doesnt know what to do or say. I have gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit and its driving me crazy.....still. I had a dream about him the other day but i dont quite remember what happened in the dream I just know that when i woke up i was sooooo upset that it wasnt real. For some reason, I felt so incredibly comfortable around him on so many levels but obviously i wasnt what he was looking for. I have to keep telling myself that there are other better people out there but...i have yet to find them. I like people who are broken. and he is very very broken. thats my crazed rambling for the moment.

I feel like a stalker or freak or something... ugh

um...so..yeah

this is going to be just me writing. if i feel like capitalizing something or putting a period somewhere i will because im just in one of those moods. my mind feels like i dont even know. its the strangest feeling i have ever felt in my life. i feel like i am becoming the person that i want to be. more outgoing happier dedicated but with that comes the bad side. my mind is fucked. im stuck. i cant even... i dont know. im just stuck. but going at the same time. like i have so many opportunities at my fingertips and i want to take advantage of all of them but something in me is telling me to slow down. im being more ballsy. i feel a bit used.
sorry i havent written in a while if you actually follow this.
ive been busy with starting school and doing fiddler on the roof. im enjoying it. ahhhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk im tweaking out. i need to talk to someone. that i know that is. i feel like i want to talk to certain people and just chill with them. i dont even know what im talking about right now. im just rambling. i ...i...um..yeah ...thats about what is happening in my head right about now. shit fuck baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........i....i dont know what im doing