This is my demon.

The Realization.

I really came to the conclusion today...set in stone.... that I truly care for the boy from the summer. The only time I feel anything at all is when I am around him and when i;m not around him I think about him and why he doesnt feel the same way about me. I want so badly to tell him how I feel about him but I dont want to make things awkward. If I knew for sure that I wouldnt see him again I would tell him how I feel. Im almost positive he is going to get accepted to Udel and so maybe the last day of choir ill tell him or during the summer ill text him or something. Its really bringing my mood down. Even if I didnt date him again...I just want to be a part of his life. I feel like I can understand him and I feel like he can be comfortable around me. I look forward to Thursdays and Sundays because I get to see him. Its so messed up. I feel crazy. I need some advice.

girl interrupted

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history.

Today I went to church and sat next to the boy from the summer. We laughed a lot and talked a lot during the service about random things and then I texted him while I was at work. I dont think I have ever felt like this about a person before. I want so badly for him to be in my life but i feel as though he is resisting. I know what kind of life he has gone through and what kind of person he is but he keeps resisting. I felt that was during the summer also. I dont think I have ever had to try this hard to have someone in my life. Maybe part of the reason I want him in my life so badly is because he doesnt want to be in mine. maybe that isnt the case at all. maybe he just doesnt know what to do or say. I have gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit and its driving me crazy.....still. I had a dream about him the other day but i dont quite remember what happened in the dream I just know that when i woke up i was sooooo upset that it wasnt real. For some reason, I felt so incredibly comfortable around him on so many levels but obviously i wasnt what he was looking for. I have to keep telling myself that there are other better people out there but...i have yet to find them. I like people who are broken. and he is very very broken. thats my crazed rambling for the moment.

I feel like a stalker or freak or something... ugh

um...so..yeah

this is going to be just me writing. if i feel like capitalizing something or putting a period somewhere i will because im just in one of those moods. my mind feels like i dont even know. its the strangest feeling i have ever felt in my life. i feel like i am becoming the person that i want to be. more outgoing happier dedicated but with that comes the bad side. my mind is fucked. im stuck. i cant even... i dont know. im just stuck. but going at the same time. like i have so many opportunities at my fingertips and i want to take advantage of all of them but something in me is telling me to slow down. im being more ballsy. i feel a bit used.
sorry i havent written in a while if you actually follow this.
ive been busy with starting school and doing fiddler on the roof. im enjoying it. ahhhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk im tweaking out. i need to talk to someone. that i know that is. i feel like i want to talk to certain people and just chill with them. i dont even know what im talking about right now. im just rambling. i ...i...um..yeah ...thats about what is happening in my head right about now. shit fuck baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........i....i dont know what im doing

Winter Break thus far

Ok...yes I know I havent written in this bad boy for quite a while but I have been very busy and without a computer.

School:
This past semester has been the worst semester of my life. I went through a lot of things mentally and almost ended up in the hospital but i managed to get through ...sort of. All of my grades arent posted yet but I know I didnt do what I needed to do so however the cards fall, I take full responsibility of the outcome.
I performed in the student run Cabaret which was sooooo much fun. I wish it was more than one night of performing but according to John... we are going to try to take the show to different high schools.
At the end of the semester, I auditioned for the musical that we are putting on for next semester,"fiddler on the roof" and it was the strangest experience of my life. I got called back for pretty much every womans role in the show and I ended up getting the smallest name role in the show. I know i know..."in theatre there are no small roles...only small actors" but I cant help but be upset with myself.

I have been working a whole lot this semester as well which probably put a large strain on the way I performed as a student. I changed departments from cashier to bakery and since that happened things have been kinda weird. I love working in the bakery... I am no ones bitch.. I can do things when I want and I can take my time...BUT! the manager doesnt know how to check peoples availability so I would get phone calls during classes asking why I wasnt at work. I think they think that my job is my life which is where they are terribly wrong. In actuality... when I get a job in the future whatever that may be... I will make sure that I have freedom. I will not end up being someones bitch. I understand that in anything you do in life there is a give and take but with this place I am giving too much....Sorry by the way if what im writing doesnt make any sense. I am really distracted by my brother singing and this really interested show on discovery health.

Christmas was a few days ago and it was nice. I love spending time with my family because it is something I dont get to do very often. I am a person who actually hates most holidays. I dont see the point in many of them and christmas is one of those holidays. People celebrate it because it was supposed to be the day that christ was born. If it is your moms birthday...you dont give gifts to your dad...and never ever does your mom say....HEY get me a pair of earrings and a nice coach bag. No.. this holiday is just so retarded which is why I really try not to feed into it. I refuse to tell my family what to get me for christmas so if they get me something I a) dont feel bad about them feeling obligated and b) am surprised. This christmas my mom got me a bluetooth (which I returned because I am never going to use it), some lounge pants and money. Cool. The rest of my family basically just gave me money becayse they dont know me well enough to get me something meaningful. oh yeah...thats another thing that really bothers me about this holiday. I feel like our loved ones should know us well enough to know what we like and or need so why should we give them a list. Ugh...I have always been this way by the way. ever since i found out that the big fat old man wearing red was actually my mother. yeah haha. ...
With the money that I collected for christmas and money that I saved from working I bought myself a HP laptop. Its pretty cool...Webcam and all...

Well...that is my update for now. Who knows when the next one will be. NEW YEARS SOON!!! so excited

life..the complication

I am so full of pity and anger right now. I feel bad for you because you are never going to be happy with yourself and you are probably going to get an std. I have always thought....wow he gives off that bachelor vibe but i was stupid and went against my better judgement and gave you a chance. I knew where it was going when i first started but out of consideration for your feelings i kept going. Now... I am angry because i let myself do that and you think its ok to continue to do these things to people. I want to give you the rudest awakening you have ever heard of. I cant help but be nice to you soemtimes though. 

Also... now there is someone who likes me who I totally do not like at all. I mean he is a nice guy but romantically... totally not interested. How do I let him down  easy without being a bitch? gr argh