This is my song to the moon

Song to the Moon from Rusalka has to be the single most beautiful piece of vocal music I have ever heard in my entire life. It makes me cry literally. 

Im lost. In a lot of ways ...lost. I dont know who to trust...what to trust...where to do..what to do... Music has me very emotional lately. Classical music in particular. I put my ipod in my ears and only I feel found. 

Im going to make a psychologist appointment. 

As always.. the outwardly peaceful.

Stephanie

The insanity of the simple things

I found out last night that my uncle had to have one of his toes amputated. How strange is that?! My family very rarely talks to him because...well.. he is very strange. Also, for me personally, its hard because he is the only connection we have of my dad and its easier for me to pretend like I never had a dad than to deal with the fact that he isnt around. I havent visited his grave in over 10 years and it really upsets me. I dont even know where it is. ...but back to the toe. He got his toe amputated because he has diabetes. I didn't know that so now that means I have two people in my family who have it. I need to do something different with me life as far as eating habits go. Only things from the earth from now on. Seriously.

I feel so emotionless lately. ....its hard to explain actually. I feel tons of emotions but I feel numb to them.

I just figured something out. When I am around "the boy" I actually feel things which is why I act so strange around him. All of the emotions I am numb to when I am around other people come pouring out when I am around him which is why everything feels so exaggerated when I am around him. I cant bring myself to cry about anything or legit. smile or be happy about anything. I need to see a counselor.

A few days ago I legit felt like I was ready to die. I was at work and I just thought to myself the entire time...why am I here?! at work and in this world. In my opinion people live to die. Our interactions with each other will be forgotten eventually so what is the point of toughing it out and dealing with all the bullshit that people put each other through? I sort of snapped out of it since then but those thoughts run through my mind on a normal basis. I should probably get some help.

I think I might have accidentely inhaled some comet. I feel high or something. Maybe its the numbness. Give the existence uttered forth by the qua wua wua qua qua ...


I need to go on a walkabout.

uh....what the hell just happened

Ok. So I finally mustered up enough balls to ask you what the hell was going on and you said that I wasnt really your girlfriend because your parents dont know about me but that you really like me. You also said that you are going to be spread really really thin during the school year and that outside of church im not going to see you. How is that ANY different from the summer time? Honestly, if you really liked me like you claim to, you would put forth the effort and make time to see me. You are full of shit and im not putting any more energy into contacting you. If you want to talk to me thats cool but im really really just dont with trying to get your attention when you dont want mine. In the beginning, yeah, i believe that you really liked me because you would send me messages and when we were both on facebook ....which by the way is a really lame way to try to contact me.... you would message me. Now when i sign on its like im not even there. You dont give a shit. Fuck you. Im not going to deny that I do like you and that I do enjoy the time we spend together but im not going to keep putting myself out there just to feel like im getting nothing in return. Intense friends? Try acquaintances. You know nothing about me.

figure this

The king and I is making an impact on my life right now. There is a song from that show that is entitled "We kiss in a shadow" and the lyrics and close to how my life is going.
They are as follows:
We kiss in a shadow we hide from the moon
our meetings are few and over too soon
we speak in a whisper afraid to be heard when people are near we speak not a word.

I have a few theories about him. I just want to document them for when i figure out who he really is. I want to be able to come back and be like.. see I thought that a long time ago.
1. He is really insecure and doesnt like to call people. Likes to get invited to places. Is afraid people wont like him for who his family is. Is still uncomfortable with events from the past.
2. He is a huge dick and doesnt know how to commit. He always feels the need to have a girlfriend even if he has no emotional attachment to them. He wants to be wanted.

Those two theories can sort of co-exist within each other also. If someone is insecure they can be an asshole to push people away. Also, if something happened in his life where he was abandoned or felt alone, he would want someone to want him. Primarily a female figure. Maybe his mom screwed him over.

wer

Just talked to Becky and she made me feel better about the situation. He is just unsure. im still apprehensive. I just need to talk to him.

the lie

I wish you tried harder. You dont try to talk to me.. you dont try to hang out with me. Im convinced that you are using me. totally and utterly convinced. If you are there on monday im going to just question anything nice you say to me. I cant figure you out because you are a liar. things arent adding up because you are trying to hard to be one way when your actions show you to be another way. I just wanted to document this so when your true colors come to show... i have documentation of me figuring you out.

.

i feel like a good person.