life..the complication

I am so full of pity and anger right now. I feel bad for you because you are never going to be happy with yourself and you are probably going to get an std. I have always thought....wow he gives off that bachelor vibe but i was stupid and went against my better judgement and gave you a chance. I knew where it was going when i first started but out of consideration for your feelings i kept going. Now... I am angry because i let myself do that and you think its ok to continue to do these things to people. I want to give you the rudest awakening you have ever heard of. I cant help but be nice to you soemtimes though. 

Also... now there is someone who likes me who I totally do not like at all. I mean he is a nice guy but romantically... totally not interested. How do I let him down  easy without being a bitch? gr argh

star light star bright

I havent written in a while because to be honest my life got crazy and I forgot about this thing. Anywho....I jut got the shit scared out of me. For the people who read this on a normal basis, this will most likely mean nothing to you but I will try to make you understand. So I just had my voice lesson and my voice teacher was commenting on my recent performance. I performed in a recital on wednesday and I sang this song that I just absolutely love. My teacher asked me if I have ever been called a Mezzo soprano. It freaked me the fuck out. My entire life I have been a soprano. 

For those of you who dont understand think of it this way....imagine all your life someone says...you are a girl and than one day your mom tells you...hey your actually a dude. Its obviously not as drastic as that but i feel like sometimes people have to exaggerate in order to make a point. 

I dont know what else to write. things are kind of boring lately... 

actually....debbie and I have become friends again. She is a lot different not and things are awesome.

Dear Sleep,

You are amazing in my bed, the couch, the floor....everywhere...but everyone does you. Why do you have to be so good to me? Sometimes I want you to around more and sometimes I want you around less. How can I find a happy medium? You have amazing powers. You make everything ok in the end. You make me more level headed. As of late, I want you around more. Please pay me a visit. 

One of your admirers,

Stephanie

what the fuck

I dont know what I feel. Right now I am very irritable and pissy but also very chill. I dont know what to do with myself. I want to punch this one kid in the face really really bad because he doesn't ever shut the fuck up. Also....Debbie apologized to me today about being a bitch to me. It was a really long message and I showed sara and she said that it seemed really heart felt. I don't know if I believe it. Its sad... I believe the biggest assholes in the entire world but when someone takes the time to be nice to me and write me messages I dont believe a word they say. I just dont want to get hurt anymore. I missed my appointment this morning which might be the reason why I feel so weird.

I feel so weird.....so....sooo...weird. I want to make it stop.

OH....also.... im going to get my ass handed to me on monday when I dont know my music for opera. ugh

haiuferitnoudfvhajhualf

FUck fuckf uckf ckf cufkc.... basically im going insane. I need to get the hell out of here. away from this life im living. Im going to the counselor tomorrow to get some much needed help before I go absolutely freakin nuts. I cant even explain how I am feeling....for the most part I feel nothing..complete numbness to every emotion possible. I need to get out of my skin. Why do I want the attention of the worst people life has to offer? why do I like the broken people in this world. Its like if they arent really really broken I could give two shits about them. Fuck this life.fuck this stupid game that people play. THats what life is.... its a sick stupid fucking ame that people play and how do you win? You fuck over as many people as possible. I lose all the fucking time and im sick and tired of being this person. Please plase please... save me from myself. I am completely off my rocker and I need someone to save me. Put me in a jacket so at least I can hug yself.....no one else will.

I want you I want you so bad...shes so heavy

He has a girlfriend.....

knew this was going to happen but it still hurts. This is an exact replica of my freshmen year of high school.

This is my song to the moon

Song to the Moon from Rusalka has to be the single most beautiful piece of vocal music I have ever heard in my entire life. It makes me cry literally. 

Im lost. In a lot of ways ...lost. I dont know who to trust...what to trust...where to do..what to do... Music has me very emotional lately. Classical music in particular. I put my ipod in my ears and only I feel found. 

Im going to make a psychologist appointment. 

As always.. the outwardly peaceful.

Stephanie