I want you I want you so bad...shes so heavy

He has a girlfriend.....

knew this was going to happen but it still hurts. This is an exact replica of my freshmen year of high school.

This is my song to the moon

Song to the Moon from Rusalka has to be the single most beautiful piece of vocal music I have ever heard in my entire life. It makes me cry literally. 

Im lost. In a lot of ways ...lost. I dont know who to trust...what to trust...where to do..what to do... Music has me very emotional lately. Classical music in particular. I put my ipod in my ears and only I feel found. 

Im going to make a psychologist appointment. 

As always.. the outwardly peaceful.

Stephanie

The insanity of the simple things

I found out last night that my uncle had to have one of his toes amputated. How strange is that?! My family very rarely talks to him because...well.. he is very strange. Also, for me personally, its hard because he is the only connection we have of my dad and its easier for me to pretend like I never had a dad than to deal with the fact that he isnt around. I havent visited his grave in over 10 years and it really upsets me. I dont even know where it is. ...but back to the toe. He got his toe amputated because he has diabetes. I didn't know that so now that means I have two people in my family who have it. I need to do something different with me life as far as eating habits go. Only things from the earth from now on. Seriously.

I feel so emotionless lately. ....its hard to explain actually. I feel tons of emotions but I feel numb to them.

I just figured something out. When I am around "the boy" I actually feel things which is why I act so strange around him. All of the emotions I am numb to when I am around other people come pouring out when I am around him which is why everything feels so exaggerated when I am around him. I cant bring myself to cry about anything or legit. smile or be happy about anything. I need to see a counselor.

A few days ago I legit felt like I was ready to die. I was at work and I just thought to myself the entire time...why am I here?! at work and in this world. In my opinion people live to die. Our interactions with each other will be forgotten eventually so what is the point of toughing it out and dealing with all the bullshit that people put each other through? I sort of snapped out of it since then but those thoughts run through my mind on a normal basis. I should probably get some help.

I think I might have accidentely inhaled some comet. I feel high or something. Maybe its the numbness. Give the existence uttered forth by the qua wua wua qua qua ...


I need to go on a walkabout.

uh....what the hell just happened

Ok. So I finally mustered up enough balls to ask you what the hell was going on and you said that I wasnt really your girlfriend because your parents dont know about me but that you really like me. You also said that you are going to be spread really really thin during the school year and that outside of church im not going to see you. How is that ANY different from the summer time? Honestly, if you really liked me like you claim to, you would put forth the effort and make time to see me. You are full of shit and im not putting any more energy into contacting you. If you want to talk to me thats cool but im really really just dont with trying to get your attention when you dont want mine. In the beginning, yeah, i believe that you really liked me because you would send me messages and when we were both on facebook ....which by the way is a really lame way to try to contact me.... you would message me. Now when i sign on its like im not even there. You dont give a shit. Fuck you. Im not going to deny that I do like you and that I do enjoy the time we spend together but im not going to keep putting myself out there just to feel like im getting nothing in return. Intense friends? Try acquaintances. You know nothing about me.