I found out last night that my uncle had to have one of his toes amputated. How strange is that?! My family very rarely talks to him because...well.. he is very strange. Also, for me personally, its hard because he is the only connection we have of my dad and its easier for me to pretend like I never had a dad than to deal with the fact that he isnt around. I havent visited his grave in over 10 years and it really upsets me. I dont even know where it is. ...but back to the toe. He got his toe amputated because he has diabetes. I didn't know that so now that means I have two people in my family who have it. I need to do something different with me life as far as eating habits go. Only things from the earth from now on. Seriously.
I feel so emotionless lately. ....its hard to explain actually. I feel tons of emotions but I feel numb to them.
I just figured something out. When I am around "the boy" I actually feel things which is why I act so strange around him. All of the emotions I am numb to when I am around other people come pouring out when I am around him which is why everything feels so exaggerated when I am around him. I cant bring myself to cry about anything or legit. smile or be happy about anything. I need to see a counselor.
A few days ago I legit felt like I was ready to die. I was at work and I just thought to myself the entire time...why am I here?! at work and in this world. In my opinion people live to die. Our interactions with each other will be forgotten eventually so what is the point of toughing it out and dealing with all the bullshit that people put each other through? I sort of snapped out of it since then but those thoughts run through my mind on a normal basis. I should probably get some help.
I think I might have accidentely inhaled some comet. I feel high or something. Maybe its the numbness. Give the existence uttered forth by the qua wua wua qua qua ...
I need to go on a walkabout.
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