figure this

The king and I is making an impact on my life right now. There is a song from that show that is entitled "We kiss in a shadow" and the lyrics and close to how my life is going.
They are as follows:
We kiss in a shadow we hide from the moon
our meetings are few and over too soon
we speak in a whisper afraid to be heard when people are near we speak not a word.

I have a few theories about him. I just want to document them for when i figure out who he really is. I want to be able to come back and be like.. see I thought that a long time ago.
1. He is really insecure and doesnt like to call people. Likes to get invited to places. Is afraid people wont like him for who his family is. Is still uncomfortable with events from the past.
2. He is a huge dick and doesnt know how to commit. He always feels the need to have a girlfriend even if he has no emotional attachment to them. He wants to be wanted.

Those two theories can sort of co-exist within each other also. If someone is insecure they can be an asshole to push people away. Also, if something happened in his life where he was abandoned or felt alone, he would want someone to want him. Primarily a female figure. Maybe his mom screwed him over.

wer

Just talked to Becky and she made me feel better about the situation. He is just unsure. im still apprehensive. I just need to talk to him.

the lie

I wish you tried harder. You dont try to talk to me.. you dont try to hang out with me. Im convinced that you are using me. totally and utterly convinced. If you are there on monday im going to just question anything nice you say to me. I cant figure you out because you are a liar. things arent adding up because you are trying to hard to be one way when your actions show you to be another way. I just wanted to document this so when your true colors come to show... i have documentation of me figuring you out.

.

i feel like a good person.

take a step back

I feel lost. but found at the same time. Nothing can ever come together at the same time. I feel like personally i have figured out who I am. professionally....im scared shitless.

im going to school for opera performance. my degree means nothing in the real world. I feel like Rowan isnt giving me the best training possible but i cant leave. FUCK! i feel like my life is going somewhere but no where really fast...all at once. im so confused. i dont know what to do. i dont know if im good enough to make it. I just want time to stop soemtimes. I want time to figure out what im doing. i dont want to be wasting peoples money or time by going through the process of getting this worthless degree if im not convinced im good enough.


random and morbid. I want bagpipes at my funeral

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

you must have some kind of sensor on me or something where you know when too much time is going by and you are losing my interest. This is the strangest relationship ive ever been involved in. I dont talk to him everyday and i dont feel like he wants to talk to me everyday even if he had the chance. But when we are together i feel like everything is ok.... maybe because i want everything to be ok. Im tricking myself. I think too much.

I have to go to work so i can think more. Fuck

hiahugiwhovwiehgpisujfgpaeoif

since no one reads this but me i can write however i want on here and I can write whatever i feel like it. you make me head swim you stupid boy. you make me go through 700 different emotions throughout the day and i feel bipolar. nothing seems right unless im in your presence. you wont tell your parents or friends of my existance. like wtf. i feel like you are ashamed of me. or you are lying to me about telling people that i exist. either way its messed up. FUCK! ugh... i need to do something with all of this extra energy. i need school to start. i need to have no time to breath because right now im going nuts.i need to get lost in something. a puzzle perhaps. i wish there was more to clean around this house. it smells like shit because of the garbage. but there is nothing we can do about that.
I know how lucky feels right now. lucky from waiting for godot. this is his monologue:

Given  the existence, as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann, 
of a  personal God  quaquaquaqua,  
with white beard  quaquaquaqua, 
outside time, without extension,  
who, from the heights of divine apathia,  divine athambia, divine aphasia, 
loves us dearly  with some exceptions, for reasons unknown  but time will tell, 
and suffers like the divine Miranda 
with those who, for reasons unknown but time will tell, 
are plunged in torment, plunged in fire, 
whose fire flames, if that continues and who can doubt it, 
will fire the firmament - that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm 
so calm with a calm, which even though intermittent is better than nothing, but not so fast.

and considering what is more, that as a result of the labors left unfinished, 
crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry, 
of Essy-in-Possy, of Testew and Cunard, 
it is established beyond all doubt - all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men - 
that as a result of the labors unfinished of Testew and Cunard, 
it is established as hereinafter - but not so fast for reasons unknown - 
that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann, 
it is established beyond all doubt that 
in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown; 
of Testew and Cunard left unfinished 
it is established what many deny: 
that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard, that man in Essy, that man in short, that man in brief  
in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation  
wastes and pines, wastes and pines.

and concurrently, simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown 
in spite of the strides of physical culture, 
the practice of sports such as tennis football 
running cycling swimming flying 
floating riding gliding conating camogie skating 
tennis of all kinds dying flying, 
sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter, 
tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts 
penicillin and succedanea; 
in a word I resume 
flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts; 

in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham, 
namely concurrently, simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell 
fades away.



I resume - Fulham Clapham, in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Berkeley 
being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head, approximately, by and large, more or less, 
to the nearest decimal good measure, round figures; 
stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara. 

in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there; 
and considering what is more, much more grave 
that in the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman, 
it appears what is more, much more grave 
that in the light, the light the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman 
that in the plains, in the mountains, by the seas, by the rivers, running water, running fire, 
the air is the same and then the earth, namely the air and then the earth, 
in the great cold, the great dark, the air and the earth, abode of stones in the great cold 
alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something, 
the air, the earth, the sea, the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold 
on sea on land and in the air

I resume - for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell.
I resume – alas, alas, on on, in short, in fine, on on, abode of stones who can doubt it. 
I resume - but not so fast. 
I resume - the skull fading fading fading.

And concurrently, simultaneously, what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis, 
On on, the beard, the flames, the tears, the stones, so blue, so calm, alas alas, 
On on, the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis, 
The labors abandoned, left unfinished, graver still, abode of stones. 
In a word I resume - alas alas, abandoned, unfinished, the skull the skull in Connemara 
In spite of the tennis, the skull, alas the stones Cunard . . . 
Tennis . . . the stones . . .so calm . . .Cunard . . . unfinished . . . 

word vomit at its best

oh my gawd

oh my gawd. I cant believe i did that. this is not me anymore. my life is on autopilot and my rational state of mind is just chilling in the back seat. i guess this is living?

No regrets.

oh

Oh and one more thing.

Ill keep you my dirty little secret.... Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret.

Another song lyric that pertains to my life

Kate Nash= Stephanie

Why ya being a dickhead for.
stop being a dickhead
why ya being a dickhead for?
ya just fuckin up situations.

Why do Kate Nash's song lyrics apply so well to my life lately?

Yes. I feel like he liked me for about 35 milliseconds and now he doesnt like me anymore. It makes a lot of sense if this is true. He has had like a bunch of girlfriends and he seems to be distant toward me. He is talking to me differently. I think he just wanted to be able to say that he hooked up with a college girl. If thats the case.... he has a rude awakening coming.

Im just going to wait and see how he treats me. I tell him to call me because thats the only way he can contact me and he hasnt tried that. He says his phone is spazzing but im sure he has a house phone he can use.

Maybe its just my time of the month and im over-analyzing everything. Its very possible. but in the end. I really do feel like a nut job.

Time will tell.

Church is going to be interesting this year.

This is my mind. My life. This is me.

Im sitting here on my couch in my apartment and no one is home. Im sitting here just thinking about a million things but nothing in particular. Im working soon. 4:30.

I just got back yesterday from the camping trip and I had so much fun. We hiked for about five miles and I got to go underneath a waterfall. The waterfall was off of the path but it was so beautiful that I couldn't resist. The countryside was just breath taking. I would love to have a house out there just for small vacations. It is almost too secluded for me. There was no cell phone service where we were staying. You had to go 10 miles to the small town to get service. I dont know why i cant form complete thoughts on this blog anymore. Im shocked i'm still writing in it.

I talked to Scott today. I saw his show on Thursday after I had dinner with Rebecca and Amber. The show pleasantly surprised me. It was sooooo good and Scott was sooooo good. He recently sprained his ankle and so he used a cane during the show. I felt so bad for him and I just wanted to help him out someway but of course I couldn't.

I hate the internet sometimes because it is so hard to really understand what people are saying and how they are saying it. I talked to Scott earlier and sometimes when I talk to him I just get this weird feeling that he doesn't want to be talking to me at all. I feel like im making so many mistakes or saying really stupid things but they are coming from me. That is who I am. so I guess its a take it or leave it situation.

I read through a few of the blogs that I have written in the past and it is just so funny to see how i felt only a few months ago. I am constantly changing. everyday becoming more and more of the person I want to be. I am still very very unsure about where I am going to end up but right now, I am enjoying the ride.

School starts in a month and I really need to start learning my music. I think I have looked through one of my pieces twice this whole summer. I have about 9 songs that I need to learn before school starts. Shit.

Well,... that is my small update for now..

Until next time strangers.