Speak break.

Spring Break sucks. I dont want to be home for spring break but im very happy that I am not at school. I need a break from something. I need to do something with my life because i feel like my life means nothing. To people I can only hope that I mean something to them,,, but what if i die tomorrow. Can I lie on my death bed tomorrow happy knowing that I made my life a good one? That I achieved everything or most of the things that I wanted to achieve? Am I the person I want to be and am I working toward the goals that I really want to be working toward?

The answer right now is a big flat out No. I need to travel. i need to tell people how I really feel and not what I think they should hear. On few occasions I have done that and it felt incredible for about two seconds until that person flipped out because normally my thoughts toward people is something rude. I cant help that I am a horrible person inside my head. No one believes me. I want to go sky diving. I want to go white water rafting. I want to be at 150 lbs. I want to make a difference in the peace corps. I dont know if i want to perform. I want to get the hell out of these small ass towns. I dont want to look at other people and wonder if I am the same size as them. I want to take photos of things that are b-eautiful. I want to travel to places far away. I want to learn new languages. I dont want to have to think so much. I want my life to be like twilight. haha. I know that last one isnt going to happen but if life COULD be like that... I would trade everything to live like that.

I need change to happen is basically what im trying to get across.

I wish that i didnt have a full scholarship so that i didnt feel so tied to my school. I sure as hell know that its not the people that are keeping me there because i dont like probably 98.5% of the people there. People piss me off in general and I can't tolerate one person for too long which is part of the reason i am so quiet. I dont like to let people in too much so that I dont have to lose much when i push them away. Ive been having some major problems with pushing certain people out of my life. They are making me abso-freakin-lutely nuts.

All I want to say to some people is put down the bag.

note

I sense a trend. You're a superficial self-centered asshole. You would never get close to me because im larger and I know this. Whether you realize it or now is to be debated but its true. You only care about yourself. It doesnt matter what I write about you here because youre never going to see it.

Amen

the edge

im getting pushed to the edge. people are pushing my buttons and there is only so much more that i can take until i explode. dont fucking explode at me again and dont blame me for your shitty personality.

this is another thought that ive been having lately. no im not suicidal. i just wonder what people would say about me at my funeral. people dont realize what they have until its gone so i wonder how people really feel about me. they take my for granted.

if i had the money i would take all of my important belongings and leave. i dont know where it is that i would go but i would go there without looking back.

41. i have the patience of a saint.

42. no one knows the real me. i like to keep it that way.

today i finally friended the kid i like and he messaged me right away. i dont know if he likes me back or if he is just a really friendly kid. im going with the latter.