Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Some Enchanted Evening

So I feel like this story should be documented...names and all because things like this just dont happen to me. It was so awesome.....as mario says..:HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ok...so im going to backtrack to a looooong time ago. Maybe the summer of my freshman year I developed a crush on someone from afar. His name is Max. I didnt know him very well at all but something about him attracted me to him. Eventually the crush faded away and I sort of forgot about it. It was silly... I mean... who in the world would be attracted or want to spend time with me! Right?

Present Day:

So this semester we have been having parties at our house here at carpenter st. and we just invite random people that we know. We could know them a little bit or a lot but if they bring money in the door they are cool with us. So the first party I invited Max.. why not. I didn't have a crush on him anymore but he seemed cool and every time I would see him in the hallway he would give me a hug and kick me in the ass so I was like well hey..he's a fun chap lol.

Friday November 12,
Max came over for a party we had and we hung out in saras room because he was smoking and i just rambled for ever about things that I dont even remember. He seemed kind of down in the dumps so I asked him if he was ok and he said to text him tomorrow and we would talk about it. I said alrighty! and when he left he said he would text me but he didnt which was fine.

Saturday November 13,
I texted him in the morning and said that I hope he got home safely and got no response until 10:30 at night when he asked if we could talk and if I was at my house. I didnt receive this until 1:30 and could do nothing about it so I said we could talk the day after.

Sunday November 14,
We made plans for when I got out of work while I was at church and I was so confused at work about what it was that he had to talk to me about. Did I do something stupid to offend him? Did he want to talk to me about what was bothering him at the party and felt that he could go to no one else? Did he like me?...all of the possibilities. I got out of work and he came over. We went for a walk around campus and ended up on the roof of Wilson. He said that I asked Bus at the party about guy advice. Bus and I don't remember this happening at all so clearly he was making this up ;). anyway.. we talked and we walked around the very elaborate labrynth that is the Wilson roof. Inside of small heating rooms with couches and sliding large garage looking doors...harassing people that are on the ground. He put his arms around me a lot..kissed my head. Totally nice....when we left wilson we talked some more and we got to my house where I asked him if he wanted to come inside or if he was going to go home. He said he was going to go home and he hugged me and kissed me and we went our separate ways.

I sit here on my couch Tuesday morning wondering what he thought of the whole thing. Does he like who I am one on one or was he bothered by me and doesn't want to waste his time? I texted him yesterday saying that if he comes to the Opera Scenes cast party on saturday that he should invite his friends because he has his solo recital the same day. He never said anything back but idk. Time will tell and if he doesnt like me.. at least I got something out of the experience. He rejuvenated the idea in my head that there are nice guys out there... few and far between but nice. and that people can like me..I just have to be me and stop thinking so much. So I as I plunge into day two of Opera tech week and day two after I hung out with him ..I walk and live in good spirit. I have things to look forward to and being yourself is so important. Everyone has flaws and no one is perfect. I have to stop focusing so heavily on the negative and start focusing on what I can do to make the negative a positive.

Tata for now. I must got get ready for my day. Wish me luck! :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Lost in oblivion

I dont know what to do about school. I fail classes like its going out of style and I only go to my performance classes. What do I do? I have asked so many people what to do and they all tell me the same thing.. Stay in school, get a degree and then you can go onto whatever it is in life that you want to do. A degree will make things so much easier for you.

I am incapable of doing these things. For some reason, my mind wont allow me to complete these things. Im wasting my money and my time by going through the motions over and over again....im also ruining my reputation with my professors. I mean well but with every year that goes by and I dont graduate..im going to get more and more lazy.

I dont know what to do. Im lost lost lost lost lost.

Find me

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

my vow

Im quitting my addiction. Its hurting me a lot more then it is helping me and even though quitting it will hurt me as well... it needs to happen. I can't live like this anymore. Im trapped.

I hate that I can never like someone without feeling like I have to walk on egg shells. Right now I like someone that I feel very comfortable with but I have to censor myself because one of my other friends likes them. When the fuck did i become such a passive and nice person? What happens if the person I like doesn't actually like the other person? I could just be wasting my time being nice instead of going for it.... I dont even know if they like me in that way. Probably not. but oh well. I just want to lock myself in a room for half a year with a limited supply of food and something to keep me occupied and just be. Maybe there will be a hamster wheel inside the room or a treadmill so i can work out. That would be nice. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I just want time to stop so i can rewind it... go back to two summers ago and continue the lifestyle that I had then. I would be so much happier. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I cant express my anger toward myself..


Im gonna go ahead and say it. I fucking hate myself.