More

So I got cut off yesterday, but there wasnt much else to write.

I am sitting in the computer lab with all of these intrumentalists and I am trying to focus on this play dialouge that needs to be memorized. Its not working out too well.

This semester I have had such a problem with focus. I dont know what it is. I guess as people mature they change and their interests and priorities change. This scares me a little bit.

Lets walk a little deeper in whats been going on in my head lately.

I believe that I am finally over what has been nagging me for the past year or so. I am not going to go deeper into that because I know what I mean and I wanted to document that for the future.

I am scared shitless. That is the general emotion that I have had for a while. I love singing and I love music. For so long it has been my life and what makes me completely happy. Lately, I have been having second thoughs about choosing music as my major. What if I am not good enough to make it in the opera or music world. I dont know how I compare to the other girls in conservatories who are my age or younger. What the hell am I doing at Rowan? Like sometimes I really just want to leave.... but other times I feel like this is where I should be. I know I shouldn't base my desicions on other people but I do. Rowan is paying for MY TUITION to be a student and get the training that I need. I love my friends and the people that I am surrounded by even though I get frustrated with them quickly. I never let that show.... I dont think. I figure that is going to happen anywhere. Is Rowan worth the money? or would I get better training somewhere else where I could get a job easier? Yes Rowan has the Opera scenes and everything but c'mon.... if you go to a conservatory you get ridiculous training and ....ugh I dont know. PLUSSSSSS!!!! your voice is so sensitive to everything around you. If you scream to loudly, eat the wrong food, drink the wrong beverage... anything... you could be compromising your career. In a split second, everything you worked so hard for could be gone. I compare that to surgeons though... if they are sawing something out in the barn... No i dont know why a surgeon would be working on a farm.. BUT... if they make one mistake their hands are compromised and they cant work on people anymore. I want more time to be able to think about these things. I wish there wasnt such a rush to decide the rest of your life. I am only 19 years old. I want to have fun and just be young and make mistakes. I live in a world that isnt made for me. I wish I could just live in the jungle with some random tribe. The aboriginals would be awesome... but they eat bugs and shit. But yeah the aboriginals would be awesome... they just chill in the outback and live with nature. America creates such uptight twatsickles and I dont want to deal with some of this shit anymore.

That went a little off topic but whatever.

So yeah.... I guess thats one or two things floating around in my head.

I cant think of anymore names for myself...

The gullible one