Christmas

This song is perfect for who I am this Christmas. I actually visited my dad today for the first time in almost 12 years. I cried a lot this Christmas.

I'm looking forward to Christmas
It's sentimental I know
But I just really like it

I am hardly religious
I’d rather break bread with Dawkins than Desmond Tutu
To be honest

And yes I have all of the usual objections to consumerism
The commercialisation of ancient religions
And the westernisation of a dead Palestinian
Press-ganged into selling Playstations and beer
But I still really like it

I really like Christmas
Though I'm not expecting
A visit from Jesus

I'll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I'll be seeing my dad
My sisters and brother, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

I don't go for ancient wisdom
I dont believe just cos ideas are tenacious
It means they are worthy

I'm ambivalent to churches
Some of the hymns that they sing have nice chords
Though the lyrics are dodgy

And yes I have all of the usual objections to miseducation
Of children forced into a cult institution and taught to externalise blame
And to feel ashamed and to judge things as plain right or wrong
But I quite like the songs

I really like London
Though Christmas is not quite as white as I’d hoped
It’s kind of European

I'm not expecting great presents
Ye olde combination of socks, jocks and chocolate
Is just fine by me

Cos I’ll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I'll be seeing my dad
My sisters and brother, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

And you my baby girl
My jetlagged infant daughter
You'll be handed round the room
Like a puppy at a petting zoo

And you’re too young to know
But you will learn one day
That wherever you are and whatever you face
These are the people
Who'll make you feel safe in the world
My sweet blue-eyed girl

And if my baby girl
When you're twenty one or thirty one
And Christmas comes around
And you find yourself 9000 miles from home

You’ll know whatever comes
Your brothers and sisters and me and your mum.
Will be waiting for you in the sun

Girl when Christmas comes
Your brothers and sisters
Your aunts and your uncles
Your grandparents, cousins
And me and your mum.
Will be drinking white wine in the sun
Waiting for you in the sun
Drinking white wine in the sun
Waiting for you

I really like Christmas
It’s sentimental I know

Bipolar

I feel like I am two totally different people lately. When I am in the music building and I am being productive I am happy and chipper and the moment I step in my house my mind runs wild and I an super depressed. I don't know who I am. I dont know how to make the people I like like me. I know they should like me for who I am but some people are so good at talking to the opposite sex and I just wasnt blessed with that gene. I choose to completely ignore people that I like instead of showing them that I like them. I feel like an idiot. I wish I had the house to myself right now. As much as I love Andrew....I wish he would just fucking go away. He is constantly here and I just want complete alone time. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't get over this anxiety and frustration. I just want to stop time so I can relax. I wish I could read minds.

pondering

I dont know how the people in the world survive. I cant stand to be with myself anymore and I dont know how to escape. The days get worse and worse as with everyday that passes.

Where am I going?

I dont know where I am going with my life. Everyday when I look at myself in the mirror I hate who I see. I constantly make decisions that I soon after regret and I break promises to myself that eventually make me sink further and further into my depression. I need to start doing things that I love and know will make me happy. I need to start breaking my cycle of comfort. I know that after I go to the gym I feel amazing and im really happy with myself. Why am I not allowing myself to feel that kind of happiness? Why do I feel the need to torture myself everyday? Maybe I am a glutton for pain. This isnt the first time I have thought this about myself. Its a bit sad. I am driving myself crazy.

asdfreib vfdgdfg

aasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfadsfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfadsfadsfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdf
this is what my mind feels like right now. i dont feel anything nor do I care to do anything. when i think there is the smallest chance to feel anything and have some kind of salvation from myself in my life the opportunity gets crushed because I fuck everything up.

Im dying. everything that happens in my life ends up being something really stupid. I dont want to do this anymore. i cant even begin to explain how i feel right.

Ill probably feel better tomorrow once i sleep and shower. but the fact that these thoughts are flowing around in my head right now is not a good sign.

fuck it