F*** it

Lately, I have been getting along with Heather, one of my room mates, who I had been having problems with in the past. Actually all of my room mates and I are getting along. It feels nice to walk in the door and feel like you are welcome.

Also lately, I have been feeling very angry/ sad. I dont know why but when I am alone I dont smile, I feel really upset and nothing is triggering these feelings. I dont understand why this happens to me every so often.

To some people I just want to open up completly. I want to tell them everything about my life, good, bad and in between. My past has come back to haunt me lately and I dont know where it came from. Things that I ahve never revealed to ANYONE are always on my mind after so many years of forgetting about them. I am not about to write them on here out of fear that someone will read it and put me away.


I am going to a party tonight with my friends. Hopefully, I will actually have fun instead of faking fun like I did all day. I have to put on a smile and cheery attitude so that people dont ask questions. They will drill away at me until I snap.

* I had my blog on private for a few days but I decided to make it public again. I will continue to sensor myself as I have been on here and keep the very few people who read this wondering that the hell is actually going through my mind. I am a mystery I guess.

Sick of it...with it..

UHM..... What has been going on lately...

Well... I went to Steves party the other day.. I think it was Friday.. And I had an awesome time. What I thought was going to happen with the driver did happen but its over now and everyone is back to normal. Steve said that his mom is going out of town soon so he is going to have another party. Maybe ill drive myself and just pull up couch to save myself some trouble.

Saturday I went to Salad Works with Jeli and Jill and realized that I LOVE chick peas. Theyre soo good haha. After that I took a long nap and went to the gym with Sara and Bus. We have been going everyday since the first time I mentioned it on here. I love going because I know that I need to be doing good things for myself in order to be happy. Going is a step in the right direction.

Sunday I had church at like 10:45 and when it was done I went to the gym again.

Yesterday.. I had like six classes which kept me busy but it was a bit tiring. I also wasnt feeling well. SURPRISE SURPRISE! At the end of last semester, I went to the health center and they told me that I had Bronchitis which could possibly be in the early stages of Pneumonia. I took the drugs they gave me but they didn't help at all. Over break, I took a course of antibiotics that normally helps kill all the bacteria in your body but... that didn't help either. Now.. I am still coughing and I have this really annoying tightness/tickle in my lungs. Im going to the health center today so they can help me out. Oh..I went to the gym last night also. The trip was short because my chest kept hurting. Oh well... things will get better soon.

I am rather pleased with myself lately aside from everything that has been bringing my mood down. Like I said, Ive been going to the gym... BUT!!! I finally got over my crush. It only took forever but I am almost positive about it all this time. There are a few new people that I think are cute but I don't know them very well at all so whether I LIKE them or not will be determined in the future. I have no idea how to flirt or even show someone that I like them so if anyone could help me in that department I would greatly appreciate it.

OH! Before I stop writing, I have been reading Twilight and I love it. Its a lot different from the movie that I saw but not different at the same time. Its kind of hard to explain. I want my own Edward Cullen! and it wouldnt hurt if he looked like Robert Pattinson :).

Well.. so long for now...

The sick one.

POST NUMBER 50!

Yes this is my 50th post on my blog. That just means im a super loser who has nothing better to do with her time than to write about her boring melodramatic life.

I feel like with every friendship or any sort of relationship I have with someone, whether its friendship, mom to daughter, blah blah blah, I always give a lot more than I recieve. I think I try too hard and I care too much about people and that caring and trying pushes them away in the end. My whole life I have had friends, but I always felt like I was a bother or like I couldn't do anything right. That feeling is creeping up on me again in college. I feel like I am not allowed to get annoyed with someone or be upset without making someone else angry. Other people are allowed to be upset or angry with me but I can't be upset or angry with them. Maybe its the way I deal with things. I wish I could just take a break from life sometimes. Take a break and look at my life from the outside and see what mistakes I am making and how I can change them.

Steve is having a party at his house tonight and I dont know if I want to go. It should be fun and there will def. be people there that I get along with but I feel like a party pooper lately. My morale is in a shitty place and I am over compensating for it by being goofy loud and obnoxious.
PLUS! If I am having a good time I have a feeling that the person driving wont be having a good time and they will want to leave right as everything starts going.

I am not going to finish my last blog because I simply don't feel like it.

I went to the gym today and it felt nice while I was there. I wish I could have stayed longer and did a little bit more but whatever.

OH! Jaime bought the first two twilight books and I am going to start reading the first one. I hope I can finish it. I have the attention span of 6 year old A.D.D. child on speed when it comes to reading. I dont think that I have ever read a book from cover to cover, but maybe things will turn around.

I'm done. Have to go get ready.

I hope I have fun.

Like a slap in the face...

This blog is going to be very bipolar. Youve been warned.

DANNY CAME HOME TUESDAY!!! I talked to my mom yesterday and she said he went to his group and he actually talked to people. As he was leaving his group he asked to see three peoples faces which out of context and in context i guess could be kind of strange. For about a straight year, my brother hasn't looked anyone in the face because he was afraid. He asked three people if he could see their faces and one of them was a girl. After he saw her face he went ," wow... you're pretty" and walked away! HAHA I am so happy for him and I hope that this behavior keeps up. He is sick now so his mood will probably be a little more dull but its a step in the right direction.

The literal slap in the face.

So yesterday before student recitals, I was in the music office and I was talking about singing for the divisional. One of my friends said if you do i'll slap you in the face and than she really did slap me in the face. It didn't bother me at the moment but as I sat there and thought about it I started to get kind of pissed. I feel like a literal slap in the face is the ultimate act of disrespect that you can do to someone. Im over it now, but I wanted to make a note of it.

Condescending hypocrites.

Stranger than Fiction.

I'll finish later

The peace keeper

Back to Rowan....

Im sitting here at my desk in my apartment and my mind is racing. Classes, family issues, friends, self issues, music and repeat. Sometimes I just want to go back to when I was a little girl and I didnt have to worry about anything except for the imaginary dinosaurs that chased after me and my friends as we walked home from school.

Being back for the second semester of my second year feels really odd. My first semester, I really started to figure myself out, stood up for myself, showed some people a side I hate to show... basically became more of who I wanted to be. I made great friends and got close to people even though I have been afraid to let my guard down for so long.
So far, I have been myself EVEN MORE and the people who I have gotten close to are sort of making me feel like I shouldn't be that way. I also notice that some of the people I have gotten close to are very manipulative. I don't know if it was just the time I spent around them, but if it continues I dont know if I will stay friends with them. No one deserves to get stepped all over, especially if they dont deserve it.

Maybe everything I am feeling is just the way I have been feeling. Oh well.

Since I have been back to Rowan:
I unpacked all of my stuff and managed to destroy my room.
Hung out with Antoine and Jeff for a little bit.
Went to Bens rehearsal for his Grad. Recital.
Hung out with Steve and played Wii, guitar, and watched funny You tube videos.
Spent a lot of money.
Hung out with Deb and Sara.
and more but i dont even remember.

Tomorrow I start classes and I don't know if im ready. I havent really looked at my Carmen score and I am scared that Stiebs is going to rip us all a new one. Time will tell.


I have to go back to debs now to get my cell phone. I forgot it there. OH and to say welcome back to the Gal. haha

Cya blog

AH!

There is no real point to this blog. Im not in a good mood for some reason and I am about to leave for NY. Hopefully my mood will change when I get to NY. The next time I write I will be happy and at school. I hope I will be happy anyway. Things are always complicated when I am around certain people at school.

Just got into a fight with my mom. I dont want to be here anymore. Screaming and all of the drama with my family is really getting on my god damn nerves. Im going to fuckin explode. Excuse my french.

Horrible Timing

I go back to school on Sunday and I don't know if im excited anymore. So much is going on right before I leave and its a little bit over-whelming. I finished working on Tuesday. It was a 7 hour shift but I went in late because I felt like it. I told them I was having car trouble which is sort of true. My gas light was on so I wouldn't have made it to work without getting gas. Other than getting to work a half hour later, things were normal. I said see ya later to my friends and went to pick up Danny (my little brother) from his group meeting. I brought him home, watched some american idol and than my mom broke me some bad news. My brother has been going through some things lately and she wanted to inform me about what was going on. I ended up breaking down. Im not going to go into detail about what is going on because really, its none of your business. I use this blog for my own personal documentation and so that some of my close friends can keep tabs on whats going on in my life. All of you are on a need to know basis and if I want to tell you... I will. Anyway, after my break down we finished watching American Idol and took Dan to the hospital. They admitted him and we didnt leave the hospital until 4:30 in the morning.

Yesterday, I did some food shopping for when I am at school, brought Danny some comfortable clothes and hung out with my mom. Today I got my back adjusted, visited Danny and looked for a baby shower gift.

Friday, Saturday, and a small amount of sunday morning, I am going to be in NY for one of my best friends baby shower. I must say that I am excited because I get to see my two best friends but the shower just came at a really bad time.

Sunday morning, I come home from NY, get all of my stuff together, move back into my apartment and go to Bens rehearsal for his graduate Recital.

Im very scatter brained lately and im a bit distracted so if anyone sees me, im sorry if im acting weird.

All in all.. I am happy to be alive.

This is just life.

Sleep deprivation and frustration.

I am so tired because I keep getting woken up at insane hours of the morning. My dog feels the need to bark really really loud at nothing and the barking wakes me up. Ugh..

I have to go to work tomorrow at 12 but im going to wake up at 9 and try to go for a run. I havent gone running at all because its so freakin cold but im tired of making excuses for myself. Something in my life has to change if I want to get the things I want. I am tired of seeing other people happy and in relationships and awesome stuff like that and wondering why I cant have that. The reality of the situation is that I can have that I just have to change the way I look to fit the superficial needs of the guys of our time. Thank you to all of the young men of the world for making over weight girls feel like shit. :) Oh well.. It needs to happen for health reasons anyway... PLUS i do love the way I feel after working out and eating healthy, I just have to motivate myself. "Keep your eye on the prize Stephanie."

Today at work I got so upset with this woman that I work with. I know that she isnt the only person guilty of this but she made me want to blog about it. She was reading a news paper and the article was about this woman who was assaulted while she was sleeping on christmas. As she was reading the article aloud, she read that the assaulter was a man who was Mexican and outloud, she said "Yeah it figures that would happen. He is Mexican." I turned to her and I said that was really rude but I dont think she heard me. I am tired people being so closed minded and ignorant. Many of my friends and most of my family are racist and im happy that I can proudly say that I am not. I have never said the "N" word or conciously made any type of racial remark. I dont see the point in generalizing a group of people because I know that there are so many different kinds of people in the world, some of which are good and some of which are bad. The color of someones skin or the origin of their blood line does not decide what kind of person they are going to be.

Over the summer, I went on vacation with my family to Ocean City. (there are pictures and a blog about it somewhere on this site). Anywho... My grandma said something about Obama being a Muslim and that he is going to become president and blow the USA up. I got pissed at her because A. Not all muslims are suicide bombers because not all muslims take the quran and think that they have to kill themselves to please their god and B. Obama isnt a Muslim. She is stubborn as hell and wouldnt listen to my argument and just kept saying that Obama was going to blow up the USA and I didnt talk to her for the rest of the trip.

Please, If you are around me or just in general, do not use racial slurs or make racist comments because I will get upset with you. My friends make racist jokes and use racial slurs all the time and even though I am not the nationalities that they are making fun of, it still bothers me.

I have no idea if any of this made any sense because I am so tired but if it did I hope someone learned something.

Goodnight New Jersey. Goodnight.

Psychic or Psycho

This post is going to be short but I just wanted to get something off my chest.

Have you ever honestly felt like someone could read your mind? I honestly feel like someone is reading my mind. I dont feel like writing anymore... I just wanted to document that so I remember this in the future.

The sister

HAAAAAAAAAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year Blog!

I havent written in a while which seems to be a trend but I get tired of blogging and than I find the energy to.

As you might have noticed, its 2009 and life is pretty good.

My resolutions which I am going to keep:
Eat 1200 calories a day and work out regularly.
Be myself at all times.

These are the only improvements that I can think that I want to make right now.
I've been eating 1200 calories for about a week now and I feel so clean. THat might sound weird but its so true. I love eating natural and healthy food because not only are they good for you but I love the taste of them. Eating healthy food makes me happy because I dont have to feel guilty.

I have also started taking a multi-vitamin and since I started taking it, I have felt more awake and energized.

I cant wait to go back to school because I miss everyone so much. Obviously, I miss some more than others but all in all I miss my friends.

At my job I think this awkward kid likes me. He is always trying to talk to me and yesterday he was trying really really hard to get me to give him a hug. He said that certain nationalities give certain kinds of hugs. Him and this other kid were trying to guess what nationalities I am. It ended badly because one of the kids said that I was part whale and even though he might have been joking... he still said it. It didnt bother me as much as I thought it would because I am making a change and I think the kid is slow anyway. whatever.

I all of a sudden dont feel like writing anymore. Good night.

<3