Christmas

This song is perfect for who I am this Christmas. I actually visited my dad today for the first time in almost 12 years. I cried a lot this Christmas.

I'm looking forward to Christmas
It's sentimental I know
But I just really like it

I am hardly religious
I’d rather break bread with Dawkins than Desmond Tutu
To be honest

And yes I have all of the usual objections to consumerism
The commercialisation of ancient religions
And the westernisation of a dead Palestinian
Press-ganged into selling Playstations and beer
But I still really like it

I really like Christmas
Though I'm not expecting
A visit from Jesus

I'll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I'll be seeing my dad
My sisters and brother, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

I don't go for ancient wisdom
I dont believe just cos ideas are tenacious
It means they are worthy

I'm ambivalent to churches
Some of the hymns that they sing have nice chords
Though the lyrics are dodgy

And yes I have all of the usual objections to miseducation
Of children forced into a cult institution and taught to externalise blame
And to feel ashamed and to judge things as plain right or wrong
But I quite like the songs

I really like London
Though Christmas is not quite as white as I’d hoped
It’s kind of European

I'm not expecting great presents
Ye olde combination of socks, jocks and chocolate
Is just fine by me

Cos I’ll be seeing my dad
My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun
I'll be seeing my dad
My sisters and brother, my gran and my mum
They'll be drinking white wine in the sun

And you my baby girl
My jetlagged infant daughter
You'll be handed round the room
Like a puppy at a petting zoo

And you’re too young to know
But you will learn one day
That wherever you are and whatever you face
These are the people
Who'll make you feel safe in the world
My sweet blue-eyed girl

And if my baby girl
When you're twenty one or thirty one
And Christmas comes around
And you find yourself 9000 miles from home

You’ll know whatever comes
Your brothers and sisters and me and your mum.
Will be waiting for you in the sun

Girl when Christmas comes
Your brothers and sisters
Your aunts and your uncles
Your grandparents, cousins
And me and your mum.
Will be drinking white wine in the sun
Waiting for you in the sun
Drinking white wine in the sun
Waiting for you

I really like Christmas
It’s sentimental I know

Bipolar

I feel like I am two totally different people lately. When I am in the music building and I am being productive I am happy and chipper and the moment I step in my house my mind runs wild and I an super depressed. I don't know who I am. I dont know how to make the people I like like me. I know they should like me for who I am but some people are so good at talking to the opposite sex and I just wasnt blessed with that gene. I choose to completely ignore people that I like instead of showing them that I like them. I feel like an idiot. I wish I had the house to myself right now. As much as I love Andrew....I wish he would just fucking go away. He is constantly here and I just want complete alone time. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't get over this anxiety and frustration. I just want to stop time so I can relax. I wish I could read minds.

pondering

I dont know how the people in the world survive. I cant stand to be with myself anymore and I dont know how to escape. The days get worse and worse as with everyday that passes.

Where am I going?

I dont know where I am going with my life. Everyday when I look at myself in the mirror I hate who I see. I constantly make decisions that I soon after regret and I break promises to myself that eventually make me sink further and further into my depression. I need to start doing things that I love and know will make me happy. I need to start breaking my cycle of comfort. I know that after I go to the gym I feel amazing and im really happy with myself. Why am I not allowing myself to feel that kind of happiness? Why do I feel the need to torture myself everyday? Maybe I am a glutton for pain. This isnt the first time I have thought this about myself. Its a bit sad. I am driving myself crazy.

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this is what my mind feels like right now. i dont feel anything nor do I care to do anything. when i think there is the smallest chance to feel anything and have some kind of salvation from myself in my life the opportunity gets crushed because I fuck everything up.

Im dying. everything that happens in my life ends up being something really stupid. I dont want to do this anymore. i cant even begin to explain how i feel right.

Ill probably feel better tomorrow once i sleep and shower. but the fact that these thoughts are flowing around in my head right now is not a good sign.

fuck it

Some Enchanted Evening

So I feel like this story should be documented...names and all because things like this just dont happen to me. It was so awesome.....as mario says..:HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ok...so im going to backtrack to a looooong time ago. Maybe the summer of my freshman year I developed a crush on someone from afar. His name is Max. I didnt know him very well at all but something about him attracted me to him. Eventually the crush faded away and I sort of forgot about it. It was silly... I mean... who in the world would be attracted or want to spend time with me! Right?

Present Day:

So this semester we have been having parties at our house here at carpenter st. and we just invite random people that we know. We could know them a little bit or a lot but if they bring money in the door they are cool with us. So the first party I invited Max.. why not. I didn't have a crush on him anymore but he seemed cool and every time I would see him in the hallway he would give me a hug and kick me in the ass so I was like well hey..he's a fun chap lol.

Friday November 12,
Max came over for a party we had and we hung out in saras room because he was smoking and i just rambled for ever about things that I dont even remember. He seemed kind of down in the dumps so I asked him if he was ok and he said to text him tomorrow and we would talk about it. I said alrighty! and when he left he said he would text me but he didnt which was fine.

Saturday November 13,
I texted him in the morning and said that I hope he got home safely and got no response until 10:30 at night when he asked if we could talk and if I was at my house. I didnt receive this until 1:30 and could do nothing about it so I said we could talk the day after.

Sunday November 14,
We made plans for when I got out of work while I was at church and I was so confused at work about what it was that he had to talk to me about. Did I do something stupid to offend him? Did he want to talk to me about what was bothering him at the party and felt that he could go to no one else? Did he like me?...all of the possibilities. I got out of work and he came over. We went for a walk around campus and ended up on the roof of Wilson. He said that I asked Bus at the party about guy advice. Bus and I don't remember this happening at all so clearly he was making this up ;). anyway.. we talked and we walked around the very elaborate labrynth that is the Wilson roof. Inside of small heating rooms with couches and sliding large garage looking doors...harassing people that are on the ground. He put his arms around me a lot..kissed my head. Totally nice....when we left wilson we talked some more and we got to my house where I asked him if he wanted to come inside or if he was going to go home. He said he was going to go home and he hugged me and kissed me and we went our separate ways.

I sit here on my couch Tuesday morning wondering what he thought of the whole thing. Does he like who I am one on one or was he bothered by me and doesn't want to waste his time? I texted him yesterday saying that if he comes to the Opera Scenes cast party on saturday that he should invite his friends because he has his solo recital the same day. He never said anything back but idk. Time will tell and if he doesnt like me.. at least I got something out of the experience. He rejuvenated the idea in my head that there are nice guys out there... few and far between but nice. and that people can like me..I just have to be me and stop thinking so much. So I as I plunge into day two of Opera tech week and day two after I hung out with him ..I walk and live in good spirit. I have things to look forward to and being yourself is so important. Everyone has flaws and no one is perfect. I have to stop focusing so heavily on the negative and start focusing on what I can do to make the negative a positive.

Tata for now. I must got get ready for my day. Wish me luck! :)

Lost in oblivion

I dont know what to do about school. I fail classes like its going out of style and I only go to my performance classes. What do I do? I have asked so many people what to do and they all tell me the same thing.. Stay in school, get a degree and then you can go onto whatever it is in life that you want to do. A degree will make things so much easier for you.

I am incapable of doing these things. For some reason, my mind wont allow me to complete these things. Im wasting my money and my time by going through the motions over and over again....im also ruining my reputation with my professors. I mean well but with every year that goes by and I dont graduate..im going to get more and more lazy.

I dont know what to do. Im lost lost lost lost lost.

Find me

my vow

Im quitting my addiction. Its hurting me a lot more then it is helping me and even though quitting it will hurt me as well... it needs to happen. I can't live like this anymore. Im trapped.

I hate that I can never like someone without feeling like I have to walk on egg shells. Right now I like someone that I feel very comfortable with but I have to censor myself because one of my other friends likes them. When the fuck did i become such a passive and nice person? What happens if the person I like doesn't actually like the other person? I could just be wasting my time being nice instead of going for it.... I dont even know if they like me in that way. Probably not. but oh well. I just want to lock myself in a room for half a year with a limited supply of food and something to keep me occupied and just be. Maybe there will be a hamster wheel inside the room or a treadmill so i can work out. That would be nice. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I just want time to stop so i can rewind it... go back to two summers ago and continue the lifestyle that I had then. I would be so much happier. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I cant express my anger toward myself..


Im gonna go ahead and say it. I fucking hate myself.

down the same road one more again

It has been brought to my attention that my issues with holding things back are worse then I thought. Im pretty sure im a complete social retard so the fact that I have friends is sort of a shock to me. Im coming to terms with the other fact that im probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. I mean.. thats a pretty powerful statement but i really believe it. If I could just somehow verge my sober self with part of my drunk self I would be alright.. but i dont know how to do that.

I have a crush on a guy who im almost positive is gay. Im never going to finish school. Somehow I am managing to make my mom believe that im ok but in actuality im out of my mind. I guess im getting better at hiding it. Something has to give...

Men are confusing

I have a new crush ...but this is a legit one. I work with him and we are constantly flirting. I dont know if he is just a flirt or if he actually likes me. I work with him tomorrow and I cant wait to go to work. Thats scary... when I cant wait to get to work. I already invited him to come to the graffiti party on thursday but idk if he will come. Ill remind him about it tomorrow and possibly give him my number in case he gets lost or something.

Ill repost soon to update and see if he is a douche or if he is actually a nice guy.

News flash

I just re-read some of the entries that I wrote at the end of last year and god damn was I a pansy lol... I did go through a lot of shit last year that fogged my brain but so far.. im all better. Yes I have my moments which I never let out but I have come to the conclusion that they are just moments.. they will pass.

I have to hurry up and write because I have spinning in a few minutes.

I am totally different from what I used to be. I am a lot more outgoing and I want to experience everything good bad and inbetween. This fact scares the ever-loving shit out of me. The bad could potentially ruin my life....the good could too. Its all a matter of how you look at it. Im having Dinner with Jeli tonight and im going to talk to her about it. She knows that if I say I need to talk about something that its something legit..I hope so anyway.

OH! we moved into the new house. I have my own room. we had two parties already this semester.. both on fridays and I already have a crush for the time being. I dont know why I do these things to myself. He MAY be gay which would be really funny on my part. I kind of screwed myself over with him this first time I met him but I just want to get to know him and see what kind of life he has lead. I just love getting to know people and hearing about their experiences. He seems like he has a lot of baggage. I love baggage though.

Time will tell.. Just go with the flow and roll with the punches. The things that you need will come to you and if they dont well...then I guess youre fucked haha. Nah. youll just learn how to deal with the things you have.

Off to slim myself down at dee gym. PEACE

Golly Gosh

Wowzers.. I havent written in this thing in ages. Its really funny to look back on posts from just a few months ago and think about who I was during that time and how much I have grown in such a short amount of time. I am now 21 WOO! I went out on my birthday and it was fun but I havent done anything since then. I put myself on one of those stupid free dating sites and I started talking to this really amazing awesome guy. His name is Mike. We were texting for a while but all the while he was kind of a flake. He would take a while to get back to me or he wouldnt get back to me at all. Apparently he never got some of my texts so at the moment I am waiting for his response to a message I sent him on facebook. He seems waaaaay to perfect to pass up and just give up easily. Hes not the look I normally go for but everything else is pure perfection. omg. We shall see what happens with all of that butI just wanted to post on here to keep track of my life as I live it. Tata for now bloggy. Until next time!

This is my demon.

The Realization.

I really came to the conclusion today...set in stone.... that I truly care for the boy from the summer. The only time I feel anything at all is when I am around him and when i;m not around him I think about him and why he doesnt feel the same way about me. I want so badly to tell him how I feel about him but I dont want to make things awkward. If I knew for sure that I wouldnt see him again I would tell him how I feel. Im almost positive he is going to get accepted to Udel and so maybe the last day of choir ill tell him or during the summer ill text him or something. Its really bringing my mood down. Even if I didnt date him again...I just want to be a part of his life. I feel like I can understand him and I feel like he can be comfortable around me. I look forward to Thursdays and Sundays because I get to see him. Its so messed up. I feel crazy. I need some advice.

girl interrupted

.

history.

Today I went to church and sat next to the boy from the summer. We laughed a lot and talked a lot during the service about random things and then I texted him while I was at work. I dont think I have ever felt like this about a person before. I want so badly for him to be in my life but i feel as though he is resisting. I know what kind of life he has gone through and what kind of person he is but he keeps resisting. I felt that was during the summer also. I dont think I have ever had to try this hard to have someone in my life. Maybe part of the reason I want him in my life so badly is because he doesnt want to be in mine. maybe that isnt the case at all. maybe he just doesnt know what to do or say. I have gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit and its driving me crazy.....still. I had a dream about him the other day but i dont quite remember what happened in the dream I just know that when i woke up i was sooooo upset that it wasnt real. For some reason, I felt so incredibly comfortable around him on so many levels but obviously i wasnt what he was looking for. I have to keep telling myself that there are other better people out there but...i have yet to find them. I like people who are broken. and he is very very broken. thats my crazed rambling for the moment.

I feel like a stalker or freak or something... ugh

um...so..yeah

this is going to be just me writing. if i feel like capitalizing something or putting a period somewhere i will because im just in one of those moods. my mind feels like i dont even know. its the strangest feeling i have ever felt in my life. i feel like i am becoming the person that i want to be. more outgoing happier dedicated but with that comes the bad side. my mind is fucked. im stuck. i cant even... i dont know. im just stuck. but going at the same time. like i have so many opportunities at my fingertips and i want to take advantage of all of them but something in me is telling me to slow down. im being more ballsy. i feel a bit used.
sorry i havent written in a while if you actually follow this.
ive been busy with starting school and doing fiddler on the roof. im enjoying it. ahhhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk im tweaking out. i need to talk to someone. that i know that is. i feel like i want to talk to certain people and just chill with them. i dont even know what im talking about right now. im just rambling. i ...i...um..yeah ...thats about what is happening in my head right about now. shit fuck baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........i....i dont know what im doing