Winter Break thus far

Ok...yes I know I havent written in this bad boy for quite a while but I have been very busy and without a computer.

School:
This past semester has been the worst semester of my life. I went through a lot of things mentally and almost ended up in the hospital but i managed to get through ...sort of. All of my grades arent posted yet but I know I didnt do what I needed to do so however the cards fall, I take full responsibility of the outcome.
I performed in the student run Cabaret which was sooooo much fun. I wish it was more than one night of performing but according to John... we are going to try to take the show to different high schools.
At the end of the semester, I auditioned for the musical that we are putting on for next semester,"fiddler on the roof" and it was the strangest experience of my life. I got called back for pretty much every womans role in the show and I ended up getting the smallest name role in the show. I know i know..."in theatre there are no small roles...only small actors" but I cant help but be upset with myself.

I have been working a whole lot this semester as well which probably put a large strain on the way I performed as a student. I changed departments from cashier to bakery and since that happened things have been kinda weird. I love working in the bakery... I am no ones bitch.. I can do things when I want and I can take my time...BUT! the manager doesnt know how to check peoples availability so I would get phone calls during classes asking why I wasnt at work. I think they think that my job is my life which is where they are terribly wrong. In actuality... when I get a job in the future whatever that may be... I will make sure that I have freedom. I will not end up being someones bitch. I understand that in anything you do in life there is a give and take but with this place I am giving too much....Sorry by the way if what im writing doesnt make any sense. I am really distracted by my brother singing and this really interested show on discovery health.

Christmas was a few days ago and it was nice. I love spending time with my family because it is something I dont get to do very often. I am a person who actually hates most holidays. I dont see the point in many of them and christmas is one of those holidays. People celebrate it because it was supposed to be the day that christ was born. If it is your moms birthday...you dont give gifts to your dad...and never ever does your mom say....HEY get me a pair of earrings and a nice coach bag. No.. this holiday is just so retarded which is why I really try not to feed into it. I refuse to tell my family what to get me for christmas so if they get me something I a) dont feel bad about them feeling obligated and b) am surprised. This christmas my mom got me a bluetooth (which I returned because I am never going to use it), some lounge pants and money. Cool. The rest of my family basically just gave me money becayse they dont know me well enough to get me something meaningful. oh yeah...thats another thing that really bothers me about this holiday. I feel like our loved ones should know us well enough to know what we like and or need so why should we give them a list. Ugh...I have always been this way by the way. ever since i found out that the big fat old man wearing red was actually my mother. yeah haha. ...
With the money that I collected for christmas and money that I saved from working I bought myself a HP laptop. Its pretty cool...Webcam and all...

Well...that is my update for now. Who knows when the next one will be. NEW YEARS SOON!!! so excited

life..the complication

I am so full of pity and anger right now. I feel bad for you because you are never going to be happy with yourself and you are probably going to get an std. I have always thought....wow he gives off that bachelor vibe but i was stupid and went against my better judgement and gave you a chance. I knew where it was going when i first started but out of consideration for your feelings i kept going. Now... I am angry because i let myself do that and you think its ok to continue to do these things to people. I want to give you the rudest awakening you have ever heard of. I cant help but be nice to you soemtimes though. 

Also... now there is someone who likes me who I totally do not like at all. I mean he is a nice guy but romantically... totally not interested. How do I let him down  easy without being a bitch? gr argh

star light star bright

I havent written in a while because to be honest my life got crazy and I forgot about this thing. Anywho....I jut got the shit scared out of me. For the people who read this on a normal basis, this will most likely mean nothing to you but I will try to make you understand. So I just had my voice lesson and my voice teacher was commenting on my recent performance. I performed in a recital on wednesday and I sang this song that I just absolutely love. My teacher asked me if I have ever been called a Mezzo soprano. It freaked me the fuck out. My entire life I have been a soprano. 

For those of you who dont understand think of it this way....imagine all your life someone says...you are a girl and than one day your mom tells you...hey your actually a dude. Its obviously not as drastic as that but i feel like sometimes people have to exaggerate in order to make a point. 

I dont know what else to write. things are kind of boring lately... 

actually....debbie and I have become friends again. She is a lot different not and things are awesome.

Dear Sleep,

You are amazing in my bed, the couch, the floor....everywhere...but everyone does you. Why do you have to be so good to me? Sometimes I want you to around more and sometimes I want you around less. How can I find a happy medium? You have amazing powers. You make everything ok in the end. You make me more level headed. As of late, I want you around more. Please pay me a visit. 

One of your admirers,

Stephanie

what the fuck

I dont know what I feel. Right now I am very irritable and pissy but also very chill. I dont know what to do with myself. I want to punch this one kid in the face really really bad because he doesn't ever shut the fuck up. Also....Debbie apologized to me today about being a bitch to me. It was a really long message and I showed sara and she said that it seemed really heart felt. I don't know if I believe it. Its sad... I believe the biggest assholes in the entire world but when someone takes the time to be nice to me and write me messages I dont believe a word they say. I just dont want to get hurt anymore. I missed my appointment this morning which might be the reason why I feel so weird.

I feel so weird.....so....sooo...weird. I want to make it stop.

OH....also.... im going to get my ass handed to me on monday when I dont know my music for opera. ugh

haiuferitnoudfvhajhualf

FUck fuckf uckf ckf cufkc.... basically im going insane. I need to get the hell out of here. away from this life im living. Im going to the counselor tomorrow to get some much needed help before I go absolutely freakin nuts. I cant even explain how I am feeling....for the most part I feel nothing..complete numbness to every emotion possible. I need to get out of my skin. Why do I want the attention of the worst people life has to offer? why do I like the broken people in this world. Its like if they arent really really broken I could give two shits about them. Fuck this life.fuck this stupid game that people play. THats what life is.... its a sick stupid fucking ame that people play and how do you win? You fuck over as many people as possible. I lose all the fucking time and im sick and tired of being this person. Please plase please... save me from myself. I am completely off my rocker and I need someone to save me. Put me in a jacket so at least I can hug yself.....no one else will.

I want you I want you so bad...shes so heavy

He has a girlfriend.....

knew this was going to happen but it still hurts. This is an exact replica of my freshmen year of high school.

This is my song to the moon

Song to the Moon from Rusalka has to be the single most beautiful piece of vocal music I have ever heard in my entire life. It makes me cry literally. 

Im lost. In a lot of ways ...lost. I dont know who to trust...what to trust...where to do..what to do... Music has me very emotional lately. Classical music in particular. I put my ipod in my ears and only I feel found. 

Im going to make a psychologist appointment. 

As always.. the outwardly peaceful.

Stephanie

The insanity of the simple things

I found out last night that my uncle had to have one of his toes amputated. How strange is that?! My family very rarely talks to him because...well.. he is very strange. Also, for me personally, its hard because he is the only connection we have of my dad and its easier for me to pretend like I never had a dad than to deal with the fact that he isnt around. I havent visited his grave in over 10 years and it really upsets me. I dont even know where it is. ...but back to the toe. He got his toe amputated because he has diabetes. I didn't know that so now that means I have two people in my family who have it. I need to do something different with me life as far as eating habits go. Only things from the earth from now on. Seriously.

I feel so emotionless lately. ....its hard to explain actually. I feel tons of emotions but I feel numb to them.

I just figured something out. When I am around "the boy" I actually feel things which is why I act so strange around him. All of the emotions I am numb to when I am around other people come pouring out when I am around him which is why everything feels so exaggerated when I am around him. I cant bring myself to cry about anything or legit. smile or be happy about anything. I need to see a counselor.

A few days ago I legit felt like I was ready to die. I was at work and I just thought to myself the entire time...why am I here?! at work and in this world. In my opinion people live to die. Our interactions with each other will be forgotten eventually so what is the point of toughing it out and dealing with all the bullshit that people put each other through? I sort of snapped out of it since then but those thoughts run through my mind on a normal basis. I should probably get some help.

I think I might have accidentely inhaled some comet. I feel high or something. Maybe its the numbness. Give the existence uttered forth by the qua wua wua qua qua ...


I need to go on a walkabout.

uh....what the hell just happened

Ok. So I finally mustered up enough balls to ask you what the hell was going on and you said that I wasnt really your girlfriend because your parents dont know about me but that you really like me. You also said that you are going to be spread really really thin during the school year and that outside of church im not going to see you. How is that ANY different from the summer time? Honestly, if you really liked me like you claim to, you would put forth the effort and make time to see me. You are full of shit and im not putting any more energy into contacting you. If you want to talk to me thats cool but im really really just dont with trying to get your attention when you dont want mine. In the beginning, yeah, i believe that you really liked me because you would send me messages and when we were both on facebook ....which by the way is a really lame way to try to contact me.... you would message me. Now when i sign on its like im not even there. You dont give a shit. Fuck you. Im not going to deny that I do like you and that I do enjoy the time we spend together but im not going to keep putting myself out there just to feel like im getting nothing in return. Intense friends? Try acquaintances. You know nothing about me.

figure this

The king and I is making an impact on my life right now. There is a song from that show that is entitled "We kiss in a shadow" and the lyrics and close to how my life is going.
They are as follows:
We kiss in a shadow we hide from the moon
our meetings are few and over too soon
we speak in a whisper afraid to be heard when people are near we speak not a word.

I have a few theories about him. I just want to document them for when i figure out who he really is. I want to be able to come back and be like.. see I thought that a long time ago.
1. He is really insecure and doesnt like to call people. Likes to get invited to places. Is afraid people wont like him for who his family is. Is still uncomfortable with events from the past.
2. He is a huge dick and doesnt know how to commit. He always feels the need to have a girlfriend even if he has no emotional attachment to them. He wants to be wanted.

Those two theories can sort of co-exist within each other also. If someone is insecure they can be an asshole to push people away. Also, if something happened in his life where he was abandoned or felt alone, he would want someone to want him. Primarily a female figure. Maybe his mom screwed him over.

wer

Just talked to Becky and she made me feel better about the situation. He is just unsure. im still apprehensive. I just need to talk to him.

the lie

I wish you tried harder. You dont try to talk to me.. you dont try to hang out with me. Im convinced that you are using me. totally and utterly convinced. If you are there on monday im going to just question anything nice you say to me. I cant figure you out because you are a liar. things arent adding up because you are trying to hard to be one way when your actions show you to be another way. I just wanted to document this so when your true colors come to show... i have documentation of me figuring you out.

.

i feel like a good person.

take a step back

I feel lost. but found at the same time. Nothing can ever come together at the same time. I feel like personally i have figured out who I am. professionally....im scared shitless.

im going to school for opera performance. my degree means nothing in the real world. I feel like Rowan isnt giving me the best training possible but i cant leave. FUCK! i feel like my life is going somewhere but no where really fast...all at once. im so confused. i dont know what to do. i dont know if im good enough to make it. I just want time to stop soemtimes. I want time to figure out what im doing. i dont want to be wasting peoples money or time by going through the process of getting this worthless degree if im not convinced im good enough.


random and morbid. I want bagpipes at my funeral

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

you must have some kind of sensor on me or something where you know when too much time is going by and you are losing my interest. This is the strangest relationship ive ever been involved in. I dont talk to him everyday and i dont feel like he wants to talk to me everyday even if he had the chance. But when we are together i feel like everything is ok.... maybe because i want everything to be ok. Im tricking myself. I think too much.

I have to go to work so i can think more. Fuck

hiahugiwhovwiehgpisujfgpaeoif

since no one reads this but me i can write however i want on here and I can write whatever i feel like it. you make me head swim you stupid boy. you make me go through 700 different emotions throughout the day and i feel bipolar. nothing seems right unless im in your presence. you wont tell your parents or friends of my existance. like wtf. i feel like you are ashamed of me. or you are lying to me about telling people that i exist. either way its messed up. FUCK! ugh... i need to do something with all of this extra energy. i need school to start. i need to have no time to breath because right now im going nuts.i need to get lost in something. a puzzle perhaps. i wish there was more to clean around this house. it smells like shit because of the garbage. but there is nothing we can do about that.
I know how lucky feels right now. lucky from waiting for godot. this is his monologue:

Given  the existence, as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann, 
of a  personal God  quaquaquaqua,  
with white beard  quaquaquaqua, 
outside time, without extension,  
who, from the heights of divine apathia,  divine athambia, divine aphasia, 
loves us dearly  with some exceptions, for reasons unknown  but time will tell, 
and suffers like the divine Miranda 
with those who, for reasons unknown but time will tell, 
are plunged in torment, plunged in fire, 
whose fire flames, if that continues and who can doubt it, 
will fire the firmament - that is to say blast hell to heaven so blue still and calm 
so calm with a calm, which even though intermittent is better than nothing, but not so fast.

and considering what is more, that as a result of the labors left unfinished, 
crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry, 
of Essy-in-Possy, of Testew and Cunard, 
it is established beyond all doubt - all other doubt than that which clings to the labors of men - 
that as a result of the labors unfinished of Testew and Cunard, 
it is established as hereinafter - but not so fast for reasons unknown - 
that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann, 
it is established beyond all doubt that 
in view of the labors of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown; 
of Testew and Cunard left unfinished 
it is established what many deny: 
that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard, that man in Essy, that man in short, that man in brief  
in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation  
wastes and pines, wastes and pines.

and concurrently, simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown 
in spite of the strides of physical culture, 
the practice of sports such as tennis football 
running cycling swimming flying 
floating riding gliding conating camogie skating 
tennis of all kinds dying flying, 
sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter, 
tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts 
penicillin and succedanea; 
in a word I resume 
flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts; 

in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham, 
namely concurrently, simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell 
fades away.



I resume - Fulham Clapham, in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Berkeley 
being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head, approximately, by and large, more or less, 
to the nearest decimal good measure, round figures; 
stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara. 

in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there; 
and considering what is more, much more grave 
that in the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman, 
it appears what is more, much more grave 
that in the light, the light the light of the labors lost of Steinweg and Peterman 
that in the plains, in the mountains, by the seas, by the rivers, running water, running fire, 
the air is the same and then the earth, namely the air and then the earth, 
in the great cold, the great dark, the air and the earth, abode of stones in the great cold 
alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something, 
the air, the earth, the sea, the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold 
on sea on land and in the air

I resume - for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell.
I resume – alas, alas, on on, in short, in fine, on on, abode of stones who can doubt it. 
I resume - but not so fast. 
I resume - the skull fading fading fading.

And concurrently, simultaneously, what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis, 
On on, the beard, the flames, the tears, the stones, so blue, so calm, alas alas, 
On on, the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis, 
The labors abandoned, left unfinished, graver still, abode of stones. 
In a word I resume - alas alas, abandoned, unfinished, the skull the skull in Connemara 
In spite of the tennis, the skull, alas the stones Cunard . . . 
Tennis . . . the stones . . .so calm . . .Cunard . . . unfinished . . . 

word vomit at its best

oh my gawd

oh my gawd. I cant believe i did that. this is not me anymore. my life is on autopilot and my rational state of mind is just chilling in the back seat. i guess this is living?

No regrets.

oh

Oh and one more thing.

Ill keep you my dirty little secret.... Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret.

Another song lyric that pertains to my life

Kate Nash= Stephanie

Why ya being a dickhead for.
stop being a dickhead
why ya being a dickhead for?
ya just fuckin up situations.

Why do Kate Nash's song lyrics apply so well to my life lately?

Yes. I feel like he liked me for about 35 milliseconds and now he doesnt like me anymore. It makes a lot of sense if this is true. He has had like a bunch of girlfriends and he seems to be distant toward me. He is talking to me differently. I think he just wanted to be able to say that he hooked up with a college girl. If thats the case.... he has a rude awakening coming.

Im just going to wait and see how he treats me. I tell him to call me because thats the only way he can contact me and he hasnt tried that. He says his phone is spazzing but im sure he has a house phone he can use.

Maybe its just my time of the month and im over-analyzing everything. Its very possible. but in the end. I really do feel like a nut job.

Time will tell.

Church is going to be interesting this year.

This is my mind. My life. This is me.

Im sitting here on my couch in my apartment and no one is home. Im sitting here just thinking about a million things but nothing in particular. Im working soon. 4:30.

I just got back yesterday from the camping trip and I had so much fun. We hiked for about five miles and I got to go underneath a waterfall. The waterfall was off of the path but it was so beautiful that I couldn't resist. The countryside was just breath taking. I would love to have a house out there just for small vacations. It is almost too secluded for me. There was no cell phone service where we were staying. You had to go 10 miles to the small town to get service. I dont know why i cant form complete thoughts on this blog anymore. Im shocked i'm still writing in it.

I talked to Scott today. I saw his show on Thursday after I had dinner with Rebecca and Amber. The show pleasantly surprised me. It was sooooo good and Scott was sooooo good. He recently sprained his ankle and so he used a cane during the show. I felt so bad for him and I just wanted to help him out someway but of course I couldn't.

I hate the internet sometimes because it is so hard to really understand what people are saying and how they are saying it. I talked to Scott earlier and sometimes when I talk to him I just get this weird feeling that he doesn't want to be talking to me at all. I feel like im making so many mistakes or saying really stupid things but they are coming from me. That is who I am. so I guess its a take it or leave it situation.

I read through a few of the blogs that I have written in the past and it is just so funny to see how i felt only a few months ago. I am constantly changing. everyday becoming more and more of the person I want to be. I am still very very unsure about where I am going to end up but right now, I am enjoying the ride.

School starts in a month and I really need to start learning my music. I think I have looked through one of my pieces twice this whole summer. I have about 9 songs that I need to learn before school starts. Shit.

Well,... that is my small update for now..

Until next time strangers.

because the world is round.

OK. the day after my last post i hung out with the boy. We went to the back of rowan hall. I have never been so comfortable with someone right away. Something still just feels off about it all though. I hope its nothing. Going camping next week. Getting a bed tomorrow. I am puppy sitting for a rambunctious puppy. She is always biting. Can not wait until school starts... sort of.
Life is weird. I start "dating" someone and like 4 or 5 people come out of the wood-work and tell me that they like me. What a strange world it is.

Thank you Kate Nash

These lyrics are how I am feeling as of late to a T.

You're chatting to me, like we connect
But I don't even know if we're still friends
It's so confusing,
Understanding you is making me not want to do

And think things like: 'I know I should do'
But I trip up and then I lose
I hate looking like a fool

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss

The lights are on
And someone's home
I'm not sure if they're alone
There's someone else inside my head
Living there too fills me with dread

This paranoia is distressing
But I spend most of my night guessing
Are we not, are we together
Will this make our lives much better

I'm not in love
I just wanna be touched

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
Wops I think I've got too close
'Cause now he's telling me I'm girl that he likes most
Now I messed up it's not the first time
I'm not saying you're not on my mind
I hope that you don't think I'm unkind

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss

Ogres have layers.... so does stephanie

LAYER ONE: On the Outside--

Full Name: Stephanie Rhiannon Krizek
Birthday:: June 8
Single or Taken?: Dating...
School: Rowan
Major: Vocal peformance
Eye Color: Hazel...most of the time green
Hair Color: brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: gemini



LAYER TWO: On the Inside--

Your Fears: the elderly (certain ones), fish, bugs, needles
Goal(s): Make a career out of performing
Regrets: Not standing up for myself more often.
Relieve Stress: Drive around in silence, sit in my apartment with just candles as light listening to music, cleaning
Hardest thing ever dealt with: elementary school
What upsets you: liars, yelling, closed mindedness
Vent about something: Sams club can go f$(% its self. I hate that place so much and if I could find a job that paid as well I would take that job in a heart beat. People ....workers and customers alike... have sticks shoved in places where they shouldn't be and they should take the health allies card and get them removed because it is effecting peoples performance.
Your thoughts first waking up: Ugh....
Yesterday: was my day off. I almost got a tattoo with coco but I didnt have enough money so we got our toes done instead. After coco left to go home, I went to the mall with amber and got a dollar massage in the chair sent from god. Came back to my apartment and watched a movie
Today: Worked all day
Tomorrow: Working... again. Oh freakin joy
Your most missed memory: school time activities



LAYER FOUR: You’re picking--

Pepsi or Coke: ew.. soda sucks
McDonald's or Burger King: double ew.
Single or Group dates: they both can be nice in different ways
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Eh... lipton I guess
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: again... ew

LAYER FIVE: Do You--

Do Drugs: no sir
Have a crush: Yep
Think you've been in love: dont think so
Want to get married: eventually
Believe in yourself: most of the time

LAYER SIX: In the Past Month--

Drank alcohol: yes
Gone to the mall: yes
Eaten Sushi: no
Gone skating: no.
Dyed your hair: no.
Done something exciting: yeah

LAYER SEVEN: Have You Ever?--

Hid something from someone: yea
Stolen anything: when I was a lot younger. Now im just really scared and I would feel awful for doing it.

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Old--
Age you're hoping to be married: When I find the right person. Age doesnt matter
Age you're hoping to have children: see above
Want to travel to: everywhere



LAYER NINE: Perfect Mate--

Best Eye Color: I tend to gravitate to brown
Best Hair Color: see above
Short or Long Hair: Lately ive been more attracted to longer



LAYER TEN: What were you doing--

5 MINUTES AGO: This
1 HOUR AGO: Eating a salad and thinking
1 YEAR AGO: Hating my job because I worked for total creeps. Looks like much hasnt changed



LAYER ELEVEN: Finish the Sentence--

I Love: insane rain storms
I Feel: anxious
I Hate: sams club
I Hide: my problems
I Miss: the things I did during the semester and the people I saw.
I Need: to see certain people.

bippity boppity boo

Social norms and expectations are not for me.
I am a born American. I am allowed to be free.


Starting "dating" him today.... whatever dating means.

The ONLY problem that I have is that he is 17 and in hs.... and really I dont have a problem. It is other people who will have a problem. You know what other people? You can go fly a kite. You do not have to be affected by the decisions that I make in my life. Try living your own life for once instead of getting so caught up in other peoples. People are childish.

I almost got a tattoo today. Too much money. $100. Didnt take walk ins. Will go back when I have money.

Amen

passing thoughts

Went to adams show yesterday. it was fun. went with kae lani. I still dont like philly. Ive been talking to the boy more. I really enjoy it but something about it feels wrong. could be the age difference. think manager at work is cute. probably an asshole. shannon passed away last week. viewing was sadder that i thought. still working a lot. hate my job. good money though. need to post pictures on facebook soon. apartment is infested with ants. very gross. eating better. need to lose lots of weight. think ill go to the gym now.

Amen.

New but not really

Im going to hang out with the kid soon. Probably shouldn't call him a kid. 've been working a lot. Its been sunny the past two days. im a shop-a-holic. Finally told someone how it is and deleted them from my life. One month until camping/hiking. two months until school starts again. Amen

Sad but true

Ok so my last blog was about a young kid who asked me out. Sad news is that im starting to really like him. What a strange world this is. I dont know what to do. Its illegal for me to date someone his age because he isnt 18 yet. I feel like a cradle robber.

I just got back from a trip that I took to see my friends in Mass. It was my friends grad party and I had a lot of fun. We went camping.. sort of. I dont know... i just wanted to write a little bit.

Until next time.

BWAHAHAHA

Awww... so this actually just happened and I wanted to document it before I forgot or something.

Back Story: I started working at one of the music faculties churches this past semester. It was about half way in I am a soprano in it.

Almost everytime that I went into church rehearsal I would be coming straight from the gym or if I was going to church I would have rolled out of bed an drove there half asleep with make-up all over my face. Well there are these high school boys that work in the church and one of them is Scott. Scott is a cutie but he is also my little brothers age. Every time I would see him he would always give me compliments "You look beautiful today...You look raveshing (sp)... blah blah blah." The last time I went to church I was in Carmen the day before and he came to see it. I sat next to him in church and he wrote to me that my eyes were stunning lol.

So today about 5 minutes ago he asked me if i wanted to go to a movie or dinner some time and .... I said sure but that I work a lot. I dont want to hurt the poor kids feelings. Hes a little off but hes really nice so I dont know. I just thought it was funny.

It sucks because I never attract the kind of people that I like. I attract the biggest Nerds I have ever met.

Its flattering but annoying.

Well that was my entertainment for today.

Adios

Azul Anaranjado Verde

I should be getting ready right now but im not. I have a job interview at Sams at 10:30. I dont know what to do because i already have the awesome job on campus painting and stuff but Sams pays a dollar or more and hour. I figure if sams is going to give me the same or more hours ill take that job but if theyre going to give me shit hours ill just tell them i can work nights and weekends and keep both jobs. I think that was a run on sentence. After my interview im going to the gym with kim and running on the treadmill. I love that thing.

Thanks for reading..

The crazy one

May 15, 2009

Im sitting here in the Mimosa lab not wanting to finish watching my movie because that means I have to go back to my apartment and be bored.

I moved in today after graduation which was long but today I loved my seat. we had a ceremony yesterday for the Graduate students and I sat all the way at the end with my friend Corrie. Don't get me wrong... I love Corrie and I enjoyed sitting next to her but today my seat was just lovely. I sat near the kid I sort of like. I dont even know how I feel about him and I really shouldn't decide until I know him better. ALSO the summer is here and I wont see him for like three months so I will figure things out when we get back to school. Him and I walked to my car today and just had a little conversation about summer jobs and what not and parted ways. Nothing spectacular but it was nice.

So yeah.. Im living in south jersey this summer. I dont know what to expect. I got the job that I applied for so I will be painting monday thru thursday from 7:30 to 5 and hopefully it whips my ass into shape. That would be so nice to get paid to do something I enjoy and the result is losing weight. Ah...

I just feel so emotionless.....

whatever...

Peace

Wow...

So its the end of the semester for me and  I am sitting in the music library writing this blog. I leave on sunday so that should be fun. I leave sunday and come back on wednesday during the day so that I can be ready for graduation thursday. 

This summer I was going to live in my apartment that I was supposed to be getting to live in with three other people. I have no idea what's going on now. There are so many ideas running through my head as to what is actually going to happen. I applied for a job on campus during the summer painting which will be fun if I get it. There were 97 applicants and 14 positions so if I get the spot it will be nice to know that they really liked me. Painting everyday will be a good source of excercize too. the hours are like 7 or 7:30 to 5 with an hour for lunch. Thats going to be NUTS!!! but I have to get the job first lol. If I don't get the job I hope to get a job at Sams club. They pay a lot better than the job at home and they pay better than the on campus job so that would be nice. If none of that works out maybe ill just work at home during the summer. I fuckin hate that place with an undying passion and I hate all of the people that I work with. I really hope it doesn't come to that but we will see.

This year has been crazy. I have had ups and downs and learned a whole lot about myself and how strong and weak I am in many places in my life. I've fought with my friends about really stupid stuff and I have made up with them the next day. I have also given myself some time to evaluate my friendships because sometimes people take advantage of me and I dont realize it until later. People continue to do it but I am getting better at dealing with it. I really dont want any drama in my life and some people just pack it on there. This summer will be a true test as to my tolerance for some people and how much they are willing to change for what they want. 

The boy I like doesnt like me. I dont know this for cold hard fact but I can just feel it. Whatever... there are other fish in the sea as they say. 

I dont know what else to write right now.  

Until next time... 

Make love, not war.

Sorry

Ok so again.. I havent written in a really long time and right now I dont have much time to write but I figured I would update.

Choir is over pretty much and the kid I like from choir and I have been talking a little bit more. Its kind of like whenever I see him on campus i have a small conversation with him but whatever. I got him to see Carmen on the night that I was singing my part. Thats another thing that has been going on lately ....Carmen. The first weekend is over and it went very well. This week is the last full week of classes. This summer I am planning on living in south Jersey and im going to get a job on campus painting or cleaning up other peoples shit. I hope that the people I am supposed to live with get their stuff together so that I can have a place to live. If i dont live in the apartment complex im supposed to live in... maybe ill just live in my friends house for the summer. ......... I dont know what else to write right now. I have to go to German.

ADIOS!!! ;)

Updates

So I havent written in here for a while so I would write something since I have a minute.

Since Spring Break, I have lost 10lbs. which is very exciting for me. I have been going to the gym regularly and eating better and I feel a lot more free and able to move. Its a good feeling.

Carmen rehearsals have been non-stop but I found out on tuesday night that I am going to be in the opening night cast and I started to cry. All of these important people are coming on the first night and theyre going to have a dinner before hand and stuff. Its a big deal. Oh by the way... if i didnt write this already, my part is frasquita, carmens friend. Carmen has stressed me out sooooooo much but lately it is doing nothing but good things for me. First off, it has reassured me that singing is something that I really love to do an I dont know what I would do or be if it wasnt a part of my life. Second, we needed extra guys for our ensemble so I announced it in choir and the kid that I sort of like was the only person who was interested so we started talking and hopefully we will become friends or more. Whatever.. im always down to make new friends.

Choir is stressing me out like no other. Our professor thinks that the class is the only important thing that we will ever do so he over works us. At the same time, I like the fact that he pushes us because it tests our limits.

Tonight I am singing for some church choir for 25 dollars which is a lot of money right now...to me at least. I love doing small church jobs because they are easy. You go in for 2 hours, do something you enjoy doing and get PAID!!

Adios amigos

Speak break.

Spring Break sucks. I dont want to be home for spring break but im very happy that I am not at school. I need a break from something. I need to do something with my life because i feel like my life means nothing. To people I can only hope that I mean something to them,,, but what if i die tomorrow. Can I lie on my death bed tomorrow happy knowing that I made my life a good one? That I achieved everything or most of the things that I wanted to achieve? Am I the person I want to be and am I working toward the goals that I really want to be working toward?

The answer right now is a big flat out No. I need to travel. i need to tell people how I really feel and not what I think they should hear. On few occasions I have done that and it felt incredible for about two seconds until that person flipped out because normally my thoughts toward people is something rude. I cant help that I am a horrible person inside my head. No one believes me. I want to go sky diving. I want to go white water rafting. I want to be at 150 lbs. I want to make a difference in the peace corps. I dont know if i want to perform. I want to get the hell out of these small ass towns. I dont want to look at other people and wonder if I am the same size as them. I want to take photos of things that are b-eautiful. I want to travel to places far away. I want to learn new languages. I dont want to have to think so much. I want my life to be like twilight. haha. I know that last one isnt going to happen but if life COULD be like that... I would trade everything to live like that.

I need change to happen is basically what im trying to get across.

I wish that i didnt have a full scholarship so that i didnt feel so tied to my school. I sure as hell know that its not the people that are keeping me there because i dont like probably 98.5% of the people there. People piss me off in general and I can't tolerate one person for too long which is part of the reason i am so quiet. I dont like to let people in too much so that I dont have to lose much when i push them away. Ive been having some major problems with pushing certain people out of my life. They are making me abso-freakin-lutely nuts.

All I want to say to some people is put down the bag.

note

I sense a trend. You're a superficial self-centered asshole. You would never get close to me because im larger and I know this. Whether you realize it or now is to be debated but its true. You only care about yourself. It doesnt matter what I write about you here because youre never going to see it.

Amen

the edge

im getting pushed to the edge. people are pushing my buttons and there is only so much more that i can take until i explode. dont fucking explode at me again and dont blame me for your shitty personality.

this is another thought that ive been having lately. no im not suicidal. i just wonder what people would say about me at my funeral. people dont realize what they have until its gone so i wonder how people really feel about me. they take my for granted.

if i had the money i would take all of my important belongings and leave. i dont know where it is that i would go but i would go there without looking back.

41. i have the patience of a saint.

42. no one knows the real me. i like to keep it that way.

today i finally friended the kid i like and he messaged me right away. i dont know if he likes me back or if he is just a really friendly kid. im going with the latter.

Dreaming

I have been having CRAZY dreams lately. I guess its because I have so much on my mind and I guess I am only dealing with it when I dont really have a choice. Last night, I had a dream that Iw as at Debs apartment and everyone was over and she was sitting on the couch and she asked sara to clean her apartment. Sara said no and they remained friends. When she asked me to clean and I said no she freaked out and I left. That is just one of the many dreams that I have been having lately.

My blog is international and that makes me smile. Someone from Australia left me a long comment on my 40 things about me blog and they gave some really good advice.

I have changed for people so many times but people never seem to budge. A friendship is a two way street and requires input on both sides. I am scared of being myself and speaking my mind around some people out of fear of being ridiculed and attacked. Screw that dude. Totally not cool.
People still owe me money and im tired of the excuses.

Why are so many of my friends really manipulative?

I will leave with that.

Oh my god

Lots of anger in this blog.

I am so overwhelmed and I think i might just type this as the thoughts run through my head. fuck punctuation and grammer for this blog and fuck censorship

i am so overwhelmed I cant even take it. im going to rip my hair out. too much music. too much to do. not enough time. no wonder why musicians go crazy. carmen can blow me. frasquita is not a good part for me. memorize the quintet for next week. i need a break from life. i want to go to california or some sort of cabin in the woods. too much music. bens recital, concert choir, carmen, glitter and be gay, three french songs, two extra arias, sheperd on the rock which is 12 minutes long. no more. no more no more no more. i want to go home. now. ive been dreaming the past few nights which is unlike me. first dream; car with debbie and sara-car crash- concrete-camp; second dream; lead of a show- gerald feigen- polka dot stockings- silence; third dream; steve- eliptical- nebulizer- psychologist and i dont remember my dream that i had last night.

i finally spoke to the kid i like today. hes a bit awkward. i dont know him well at all. he came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder as if i was his best friend. i dont know what to think. whatever. i need to go to the gym.

i shouldnt even be doing this blog because i dont have time.

im going to drive myself to an early grave if I dont calm down.

i just drove a dull earing into a closed hole in my ear and it didnt hurt at all. i am beginning to wonder if i can feel anything anymore. maybe the hole wasnt as closed as i thought it was. my whole ear turned red and hot but there was no pain.

i remembered what my fourth dream was about. i was at allied health and science high school and i was a new student. i found my locker but when i went back later, i couldnt find it or remember what the combination was. i tried a new locker with random numbers and it opened and inside was a new pair of shoes. i took the shoes and rode on a plastic bubble chair 45 minutes home.

List of things.

On facebook they had this list 25 things about yourself and I wanted to make a larger list on here. I am just going to list as many things as I can think of.

1. I am 19 years old but people frequently think that I am older because I dont seem like a 19 year old.

2. I am a very impulsive person butifI gave into my impulses I would be a huge whore or dead right now.

3. To be completely honest, I could live without my friends. Unfortunately, I am very bad at making friends and I am too paranoid to let anyone get really close to me. Dont get me wrong, I love the time I spend with my friends but being alone doesn't scare me.

4. I think that I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Of course I want to find someone to love and to love me in return but with the way things are going and have gone, I dont see it happening. That does scare me.

5. I hate that I am a hypocrite a lot of times. Actually... What other people would consider me being a hypocrite, I see that as seeing things from all sides of a story... or me being indecisive.

6. Most of my friends talk a lot which is good because I dont talk a lot. I only talk a lot when I am really comfortable with someone or when I am talking about something I know a lot about.

7. There are things about me that no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way.

8. I am half czech, 1/4 puerto rican and 1/4 russian. It bothers me that I dont look more puerto rican.

9. I dont understand how a person can hate another person because of the way they were born whether they are a certain color or sexual orientation.

10. I dont get pissed off very quickly but when I do... watch out because I will explode.

11. I used to have anxiety attacks but they stopped after spring semester of last year. I never thought anything was wrong when I did have them. I feel like something is wrong now that Im not having them.

12. I am happy that my family is finding answers for my little brother. He is getting better everyday and he actually texted me yesterday and had me laughing for about 5 minutes straight. Shikakah.

13. I am not as oblivious or gullible as I make myself out to be. I think its because if I dont seem to notice or understand something, I dont have to deal with it.

14. I want to run away to no where in particular.

15. I wish that I had more money.

16. I feel like I get more recognition when I don't try.

17. I am not really sold on being a performer for the rest of my life yet. I dont know if ill be able to make it into a career and that scares the shit out me..... at the same time if I didnt make it I think it would be so much fun to live like the people did in Rent.

18. Seeing Rent made we want to live in NYC.

19. I want to see the Northern Lights before I die.

20. I am only afraid of death sometimes.

21. Before I worked in church choir, I thought that religion was silly. Now after working in it for about 2 or 3 months, I think that religion is dangerous. I dont think that people are actually reading what they are saying when they read scriptures or singing hymns... they are just regeritating what they are fed because thats what theyve done since they were little.

22. I dont like nickels...Im not even sure that I spelled it right.

23. I love polka dots.

24. I have a favorite song but its not really a song. Its a guy speaking, giving advice... to music in the background. It changed my life.

25. I love neutral colors.

26. Two weeks before my fourth birthday, my house caught on fire and my arm and face got burned. My dad died in the accident and I had to be in a hospital for 4 months. I was in a coma for a week because of pain.

27. I haven't gone to see my dads grave in probably over 10 years. It breaks me heart.

28. I always wonder who I would be today if none of those things happened to me.

29. I dont really have a favorite color.

30. I love smells. Perfumes are like heroine.

31. I think I was born in the wrong decade. I wish I was a teenager in the 60's.

32. I am happy that Obama is president. I dont think that anything is going to change drastically while is president but I think that the rate of the downfall will slow down.

33. Guys always like me after im done liking them.

34. I dont listen to the radio when im in the car by myself unless im in a blech mood. I would rather listen to the sound my car makes when it rolls over the pavement going 90 or birds singing.

35. I have a lead foot but by accident.

36. I feel like people think im a hypochondriac (sp) but I really am always sick.

37. I am starting to stand up for myself more and it feels good.

38. I am horrible at being a vegetarian.

39. I am always thinking.

40. Thinking about the moon, sun and all of the planets and how far away they really are from earth makes me dizzy.

I dont want to write anymore for right now. I will add more in future blogs.

wow...

I have 15 minutes until my next class and I probably shouldnt be typing this right now.
but....


I just ate with Rebecca in the upstairs cafeteria and I saw the most beautiful guy ive ever seen in my entire life.

Thats all I wanted to say.

Im going to be so distracted today.

F*** it

Lately, I have been getting along with Heather, one of my room mates, who I had been having problems with in the past. Actually all of my room mates and I are getting along. It feels nice to walk in the door and feel like you are welcome.

Also lately, I have been feeling very angry/ sad. I dont know why but when I am alone I dont smile, I feel really upset and nothing is triggering these feelings. I dont understand why this happens to me every so often.

To some people I just want to open up completly. I want to tell them everything about my life, good, bad and in between. My past has come back to haunt me lately and I dont know where it came from. Things that I ahve never revealed to ANYONE are always on my mind after so many years of forgetting about them. I am not about to write them on here out of fear that someone will read it and put me away.


I am going to a party tonight with my friends. Hopefully, I will actually have fun instead of faking fun like I did all day. I have to put on a smile and cheery attitude so that people dont ask questions. They will drill away at me until I snap.

* I had my blog on private for a few days but I decided to make it public again. I will continue to sensor myself as I have been on here and keep the very few people who read this wondering that the hell is actually going through my mind. I am a mystery I guess.

Sick of it...with it..

UHM..... What has been going on lately...

Well... I went to Steves party the other day.. I think it was Friday.. And I had an awesome time. What I thought was going to happen with the driver did happen but its over now and everyone is back to normal. Steve said that his mom is going out of town soon so he is going to have another party. Maybe ill drive myself and just pull up couch to save myself some trouble.

Saturday I went to Salad Works with Jeli and Jill and realized that I LOVE chick peas. Theyre soo good haha. After that I took a long nap and went to the gym with Sara and Bus. We have been going everyday since the first time I mentioned it on here. I love going because I know that I need to be doing good things for myself in order to be happy. Going is a step in the right direction.

Sunday I had church at like 10:45 and when it was done I went to the gym again.

Yesterday.. I had like six classes which kept me busy but it was a bit tiring. I also wasnt feeling well. SURPRISE SURPRISE! At the end of last semester, I went to the health center and they told me that I had Bronchitis which could possibly be in the early stages of Pneumonia. I took the drugs they gave me but they didn't help at all. Over break, I took a course of antibiotics that normally helps kill all the bacteria in your body but... that didn't help either. Now.. I am still coughing and I have this really annoying tightness/tickle in my lungs. Im going to the health center today so they can help me out. Oh..I went to the gym last night also. The trip was short because my chest kept hurting. Oh well... things will get better soon.

I am rather pleased with myself lately aside from everything that has been bringing my mood down. Like I said, Ive been going to the gym... BUT!!! I finally got over my crush. It only took forever but I am almost positive about it all this time. There are a few new people that I think are cute but I don't know them very well at all so whether I LIKE them or not will be determined in the future. I have no idea how to flirt or even show someone that I like them so if anyone could help me in that department I would greatly appreciate it.

OH! Before I stop writing, I have been reading Twilight and I love it. Its a lot different from the movie that I saw but not different at the same time. Its kind of hard to explain. I want my own Edward Cullen! and it wouldnt hurt if he looked like Robert Pattinson :).

Well.. so long for now...

The sick one.

POST NUMBER 50!

Yes this is my 50th post on my blog. That just means im a super loser who has nothing better to do with her time than to write about her boring melodramatic life.

I feel like with every friendship or any sort of relationship I have with someone, whether its friendship, mom to daughter, blah blah blah, I always give a lot more than I recieve. I think I try too hard and I care too much about people and that caring and trying pushes them away in the end. My whole life I have had friends, but I always felt like I was a bother or like I couldn't do anything right. That feeling is creeping up on me again in college. I feel like I am not allowed to get annoyed with someone or be upset without making someone else angry. Other people are allowed to be upset or angry with me but I can't be upset or angry with them. Maybe its the way I deal with things. I wish I could just take a break from life sometimes. Take a break and look at my life from the outside and see what mistakes I am making and how I can change them.

Steve is having a party at his house tonight and I dont know if I want to go. It should be fun and there will def. be people there that I get along with but I feel like a party pooper lately. My morale is in a shitty place and I am over compensating for it by being goofy loud and obnoxious.
PLUS! If I am having a good time I have a feeling that the person driving wont be having a good time and they will want to leave right as everything starts going.

I am not going to finish my last blog because I simply don't feel like it.

I went to the gym today and it felt nice while I was there. I wish I could have stayed longer and did a little bit more but whatever.

OH! Jaime bought the first two twilight books and I am going to start reading the first one. I hope I can finish it. I have the attention span of 6 year old A.D.D. child on speed when it comes to reading. I dont think that I have ever read a book from cover to cover, but maybe things will turn around.

I'm done. Have to go get ready.

I hope I have fun.

Like a slap in the face...

This blog is going to be very bipolar. Youve been warned.

DANNY CAME HOME TUESDAY!!! I talked to my mom yesterday and she said he went to his group and he actually talked to people. As he was leaving his group he asked to see three peoples faces which out of context and in context i guess could be kind of strange. For about a straight year, my brother hasn't looked anyone in the face because he was afraid. He asked three people if he could see their faces and one of them was a girl. After he saw her face he went ," wow... you're pretty" and walked away! HAHA I am so happy for him and I hope that this behavior keeps up. He is sick now so his mood will probably be a little more dull but its a step in the right direction.

The literal slap in the face.

So yesterday before student recitals, I was in the music office and I was talking about singing for the divisional. One of my friends said if you do i'll slap you in the face and than she really did slap me in the face. It didn't bother me at the moment but as I sat there and thought about it I started to get kind of pissed. I feel like a literal slap in the face is the ultimate act of disrespect that you can do to someone. Im over it now, but I wanted to make a note of it.

Condescending hypocrites.

Stranger than Fiction.

I'll finish later

The peace keeper

Back to Rowan....

Im sitting here at my desk in my apartment and my mind is racing. Classes, family issues, friends, self issues, music and repeat. Sometimes I just want to go back to when I was a little girl and I didnt have to worry about anything except for the imaginary dinosaurs that chased after me and my friends as we walked home from school.

Being back for the second semester of my second year feels really odd. My first semester, I really started to figure myself out, stood up for myself, showed some people a side I hate to show... basically became more of who I wanted to be. I made great friends and got close to people even though I have been afraid to let my guard down for so long.
So far, I have been myself EVEN MORE and the people who I have gotten close to are sort of making me feel like I shouldn't be that way. I also notice that some of the people I have gotten close to are very manipulative. I don't know if it was just the time I spent around them, but if it continues I dont know if I will stay friends with them. No one deserves to get stepped all over, especially if they dont deserve it.

Maybe everything I am feeling is just the way I have been feeling. Oh well.

Since I have been back to Rowan:
I unpacked all of my stuff and managed to destroy my room.
Hung out with Antoine and Jeff for a little bit.
Went to Bens rehearsal for his Grad. Recital.
Hung out with Steve and played Wii, guitar, and watched funny You tube videos.
Spent a lot of money.
Hung out with Deb and Sara.
and more but i dont even remember.

Tomorrow I start classes and I don't know if im ready. I havent really looked at my Carmen score and I am scared that Stiebs is going to rip us all a new one. Time will tell.


I have to go back to debs now to get my cell phone. I forgot it there. OH and to say welcome back to the Gal. haha

Cya blog

AH!

There is no real point to this blog. Im not in a good mood for some reason and I am about to leave for NY. Hopefully my mood will change when I get to NY. The next time I write I will be happy and at school. I hope I will be happy anyway. Things are always complicated when I am around certain people at school.

Just got into a fight with my mom. I dont want to be here anymore. Screaming and all of the drama with my family is really getting on my god damn nerves. Im going to fuckin explode. Excuse my french.

Horrible Timing

I go back to school on Sunday and I don't know if im excited anymore. So much is going on right before I leave and its a little bit over-whelming. I finished working on Tuesday. It was a 7 hour shift but I went in late because I felt like it. I told them I was having car trouble which is sort of true. My gas light was on so I wouldn't have made it to work without getting gas. Other than getting to work a half hour later, things were normal. I said see ya later to my friends and went to pick up Danny (my little brother) from his group meeting. I brought him home, watched some american idol and than my mom broke me some bad news. My brother has been going through some things lately and she wanted to inform me about what was going on. I ended up breaking down. Im not going to go into detail about what is going on because really, its none of your business. I use this blog for my own personal documentation and so that some of my close friends can keep tabs on whats going on in my life. All of you are on a need to know basis and if I want to tell you... I will. Anyway, after my break down we finished watching American Idol and took Dan to the hospital. They admitted him and we didnt leave the hospital until 4:30 in the morning.

Yesterday, I did some food shopping for when I am at school, brought Danny some comfortable clothes and hung out with my mom. Today I got my back adjusted, visited Danny and looked for a baby shower gift.

Friday, Saturday, and a small amount of sunday morning, I am going to be in NY for one of my best friends baby shower. I must say that I am excited because I get to see my two best friends but the shower just came at a really bad time.

Sunday morning, I come home from NY, get all of my stuff together, move back into my apartment and go to Bens rehearsal for his graduate Recital.

Im very scatter brained lately and im a bit distracted so if anyone sees me, im sorry if im acting weird.

All in all.. I am happy to be alive.

This is just life.

Sleep deprivation and frustration.

I am so tired because I keep getting woken up at insane hours of the morning. My dog feels the need to bark really really loud at nothing and the barking wakes me up. Ugh..

I have to go to work tomorrow at 12 but im going to wake up at 9 and try to go for a run. I havent gone running at all because its so freakin cold but im tired of making excuses for myself. Something in my life has to change if I want to get the things I want. I am tired of seeing other people happy and in relationships and awesome stuff like that and wondering why I cant have that. The reality of the situation is that I can have that I just have to change the way I look to fit the superficial needs of the guys of our time. Thank you to all of the young men of the world for making over weight girls feel like shit. :) Oh well.. It needs to happen for health reasons anyway... PLUS i do love the way I feel after working out and eating healthy, I just have to motivate myself. "Keep your eye on the prize Stephanie."

Today at work I got so upset with this woman that I work with. I know that she isnt the only person guilty of this but she made me want to blog about it. She was reading a news paper and the article was about this woman who was assaulted while she was sleeping on christmas. As she was reading the article aloud, she read that the assaulter was a man who was Mexican and outloud, she said "Yeah it figures that would happen. He is Mexican." I turned to her and I said that was really rude but I dont think she heard me. I am tired people being so closed minded and ignorant. Many of my friends and most of my family are racist and im happy that I can proudly say that I am not. I have never said the "N" word or conciously made any type of racial remark. I dont see the point in generalizing a group of people because I know that there are so many different kinds of people in the world, some of which are good and some of which are bad. The color of someones skin or the origin of their blood line does not decide what kind of person they are going to be.

Over the summer, I went on vacation with my family to Ocean City. (there are pictures and a blog about it somewhere on this site). Anywho... My grandma said something about Obama being a Muslim and that he is going to become president and blow the USA up. I got pissed at her because A. Not all muslims are suicide bombers because not all muslims take the quran and think that they have to kill themselves to please their god and B. Obama isnt a Muslim. She is stubborn as hell and wouldnt listen to my argument and just kept saying that Obama was going to blow up the USA and I didnt talk to her for the rest of the trip.

Please, If you are around me or just in general, do not use racial slurs or make racist comments because I will get upset with you. My friends make racist jokes and use racial slurs all the time and even though I am not the nationalities that they are making fun of, it still bothers me.

I have no idea if any of this made any sense because I am so tired but if it did I hope someone learned something.

Goodnight New Jersey. Goodnight.

Psychic or Psycho

This post is going to be short but I just wanted to get something off my chest.

Have you ever honestly felt like someone could read your mind? I honestly feel like someone is reading my mind. I dont feel like writing anymore... I just wanted to document that so I remember this in the future.

The sister

HAAAAAAAAAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year Blog!

I havent written in a while which seems to be a trend but I get tired of blogging and than I find the energy to.

As you might have noticed, its 2009 and life is pretty good.

My resolutions which I am going to keep:
Eat 1200 calories a day and work out regularly.
Be myself at all times.

These are the only improvements that I can think that I want to make right now.
I've been eating 1200 calories for about a week now and I feel so clean. THat might sound weird but its so true. I love eating natural and healthy food because not only are they good for you but I love the taste of them. Eating healthy food makes me happy because I dont have to feel guilty.

I have also started taking a multi-vitamin and since I started taking it, I have felt more awake and energized.

I cant wait to go back to school because I miss everyone so much. Obviously, I miss some more than others but all in all I miss my friends.

At my job I think this awkward kid likes me. He is always trying to talk to me and yesterday he was trying really really hard to get me to give him a hug. He said that certain nationalities give certain kinds of hugs. Him and this other kid were trying to guess what nationalities I am. It ended badly because one of the kids said that I was part whale and even though he might have been joking... he still said it. It didnt bother me as much as I thought it would because I am making a change and I think the kid is slow anyway. whatever.

I all of a sudden dont feel like writing anymore. Good night.

<3